The Prince I wanted them to be

"T" from Kindergarten
You were my first real crush. I remember vividly you tapping my shoulder and telling me to meet you by the drinking fountain so we could "Kiss." I showed up and you weren't there. I went looking for you only to find you standing in line with another girl and you were holding her hand. I was heart broken.

"M" from Columbia Heights
I met you through a friend I went to Dance class with. At first we were friends. We talked on the phone nearly everyday. We tried the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing but it didn't really work so we decided to stay friends. I actually even "went out" with you friend for a few months. That is what tore us apart and you went from being my best friend to being enemies. You said some very hurtful things to me. Some of those words still haunt me to this day. After many years had passed, I forgave you for what you said/did. I even thought at one point we could be friends, but I was sadly mistaken. You broke my trust and heart yet again.

"T" The blind date
I was in college when my Youth Pastor said she wanted to set me up with someone she knew. At that point I wasn't interested in dating anyone. I was focused on school, working, and playing softball. We had a blind date and it was magical. I remember sitting in that booth at Applebee's until closing time. It took all of a few weeks until we made things official. Things were progressing rather quickly and there were talks about the future. Marriage was even brought up in conversation. You said you loved me and I thought I loved you too. Shortly after those precious words were exchanged, things began to change. You no longer wanted me to be included in your life. You started to shut down and shut me out. You began to lie to me about little things and then little things became big things. I tried hard to be patient and even said I wanted/needed/deserved more time with you which led you to breaking up with me in a parking lot of Caribou late one night. I stood there and cried and you just drove away. After we broke up is when the real damage was done. We began to talk and see each other but only in secret. It was heart breaking to know that the guy who I "loved" only wanted a relationship with me that was secret.

"P.S." Blind Date #2
You were a mistake right from the beginning but being the eternal optimist, I gave you a chance. We dated for maybe a month or two. Red Flags waved in front of your face from day one. The idiot in me thought I would be a good influence on you and could change you... big mistake. The eye opening moment is when you lost your temper over something so ridiculous and used me as your punching bag, literally. I remember feeling terrified as you shoved me against that wall. You immediately said you were sorry. I couldn't look you in the eye. I just grabbed my stuff and left and never looked back. The bruise that appeared on my shoulder blade a day later was reason enough for me to never return your phone calls, again.

"R" Rebound that turned into...
We met as a result of a lonely night. You were "Dating" someone and weren't happy. I was still "Seeing" T and was just as unhappy. After a few weeks of emails we decided to meet and thus began our 5 year complicated, dysfunctional, and toxic love affair. Drama aside, you were a true and great love of my life. Never has one person brought out the very best, but also the very worst in me. You taught me what it means to truly love someone, unconditionally, no matter what. We both made mistakes. We both hurt each other but what hurt the most was hearing the words "I love you, Jessica" when it was too late. I had already moved on. I still think about what could've been if only you would've admitted your feelings sooner. Maybe you were always meant to be, the one that got away.

"J" The beautiful little liar
Everything on paper looked wonderful... until I realized that everything on that paper was a complete and utter lie. I can honestly say that everything, EVERYTHING that came out of your mouth was anything but the truth. I tolerated what can only be classified as emotional abuse for nearly 5 months. In my past relationships, there was usually SOMETHING positive and or a good memory I could remember and take with me. With you, there was and is nothing. Absolutely nothing. I resent you for so many reasons but the biggest reason being you completely broke what little trust I had left in men.

"P" So promising, so close and yet so far
After being single for 10 plus months, we met. There was a spark, chemistry, a connection. Things moved rather quickly but for the most part I followed your lead. It was a delicate situation. You you were in the middle of a custody battle. I tried to be patient and the pathetic girl inside of me accepted the fact that I was a "Secret" yet again. I remember the night I had to go "Hide" in your basement because Mama Drama was creeping by your house and saw my car. It was a new low in my life. Needing to physically hide because my boyfriend couldn't man up to his reality. You can only live a lie for so long and the day you got caught is the day things started to fall apart. Instead of admitting the truth, you completely shut down and shut me out and even said "I don't fight for relationships because if someone has to fight to be in one, then it isn't worth being in." I was devastated. Still am. To know I wasn't worth the truth and wasn't worth fighting for is beyond hurtful. It tears me up inside.

I spent the past weekend thinking about my past relationships. What happened, what went wrong, what I learned etc... Oh, I so wanted some of these guys to be "THE ONE." I dismissed so many red flags, changed some of my "Non Negotiable," list, settled for far less so I could FINALLY change my relationship status. Sometimes I feel like love and Jessica don't mix. It's like oil and water. True love only seems to be in fairy tales, Disney movies, and love stories like The Notebook. It's happening for my friends, but it's not something that I feel is made for me. Maybe it's me? Maybe I have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships or maybe I'm just romantically challenged to realize what is healthy and what is not. Even so, I HAVE TO believe that true love for me exists and it will happen. I have to believe to receive. I do believe in love but I am having a hard time believing in love for me.