Curiosity Killed the Cat...

Curiosity crushed my heart.

Disclaimer: This will be my very last post about the infamous "P." I received an unwanted wake up call this weekend and I need to release this anger, pain, hurt, sadness once and for all and I feel putting it in writing will help me in the healing process.

Back story...

Friday was like any other typical Friday night. I had dinner, did some laundry, worked out and watched some TV. Around 9:30 pm, I noticed my phone was blinking. I had an email, from P. My heart stopped for a second and I questioned if I wanted to read what he wrote. I sat on my couch for a good 10 minutes contemplating if I was ready to read his words. Up to this point, I hadn't truly heard from him in nearly 2 months. I took a deep breath and opened his email. He proceeded to "apologize" without actually saying the words "I'm sorry" but openly admitted he hurt me and that the reason things fell apart was because he wanted to keep me a secret but still be in a relationship with me. He also said "I hope you are hanging in there and moving on." Overall, his email really confused me and quite honestly, hurt even more. I probably re-read his words 10 times and like an idiot, I responded. I was very cordial and friendly but after I hit sent, I became overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger again. I was angry at the words he chose to use. "I WANTED you to remain a secret." "I hope you are HANGING IN THERE and MOVING ON." Why did he use the words "Moving on."? Something in my gut told me that he already moved on. I sat on my couch and cried.

The next morning I woke up with an awful headache. Crying before bedtime will usually do that to you. I tried my best to keep busy and not think about P and his email but it consumed my thoughts. Curiosity got the best of me and I ended up checking his blog that he keeps about his daughter. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. Ironically, he had just updated his blog within 30 minutes of me checking it. They spent the day at the children's museum. I saw some pictures of little O and my heart swelled. I miss her so much and she is getting so big. It also brought back memories of the few times the 3 of us went on outings together. I should've just closed the page right then but I scrolled down further and saw a picture of a girl with O. (Heart fell into my stomach) And then a picture of the 3 of them together. (Heart completely shattered). Now, I can't confirm that this girl is in fact P's new "girlfriend" but I can only assume it to be for 2 reasons. 1. Why would he use the words "Hanging in there" and "Moving on" if he hadn't moved on himself? And 2. Why would he post pictures of him and another girl with O to a blog where his family checks and his family has contact with the Baby Mama Drama and supposedly that is the reason why I was kept a secret from his family? I'm not stupid. My intuition is usually spot on and I have every faith that is the same for this case too.

I know I was the one who ended things with P but it still doesn't make my hurt go away any faster. I broke up with P because I felt like I didn't have a choice. He said he didn't fight for relationships. He also said that he couldn't give more than he already was. He also said that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone and that O was going to be his main focus. I guess 2 months time was enough for him to figure his stuff out. I feel like such a fool. I know I should not live my life with any regrets but I can't help but feel angry and like P completely wasted my time. I was emotionally available right from the beginning. He sought me out, initiated first date, 2nd date, etc... and then meeting his daughter, I fell not only for him for but for her too. Things weren't ideal, but I was willing to be patient. Drama aside, things were great but then everything changed in a blink of an eye. I feel like ALL of my insecurities and broken pieces from past relationships were used against me in one last big blow to my heart. He's moved on, like nothing happened. Not even phased. He couldn't even say the actual words "I'm sorry I hurt you."

Up until this past weekend, I felt like I was making progress sorting through my feelings about everything. But I guess P is right... I'm still just "Hanging in there" while he finds it so incredibly easy to just move on to someone else.

My heart hurts. My eyes burn from tears. Why do I allow my heart to be beaten so badly? My prayer is that God will turn my broken heart into something beautiful. I feel that I am far overdue.