Someday, Somewhere, Someone

I woke up this morning feeling tired. Restless night with weird dreams, even nightmares where I woke up and felt my heart beating out of my chest. My mind (heart) can't seem to shut off, let go, move on. It's frustrating. I have so many good things happening in my life which I should be focusing on. So many people who truly love and care about me, I should be bursting with gratitude, yet it doesn't seem to matter all because of the one person who does not seem to care.

My heart has taken another big blow of disappointment. I feel incredibly crushed because my hopes and dreams were dashed, excused, disposed of once again. Life is an everlasting learning process. One can only become wiser from learning lessons. Unfortunately for me, I tend to learn these lessons the hard and most painful way.

God created me where my heart is way too big for its own good. I am learning that this can often be viewed as easy prey. I am SO available to people that I am taken advantage of. I have learned that I make it too easy for people to not put forth any effort because I put in ALL the effort. I make it easy for people not to communicate because I am the one doing all of the communicating. I make it easy for people not to have to compromise or sacrifice because I DO all of the compromising and sacrificing. See the pattern? It took me 10 years but the biggest lesson I have learned in life thus far is I teach people how to treat me. Good or bad, I teach people by the way I carry myself, assert myself, allow myself to be treated.

Reflecting back on my past relationship with P, as horrible as it was to end things, I stood up for myself and said the way I was being treated was not ok. This was a painful realization and even more painful to actually admit to him as up to that point, I kept saying that I was strong, understanding, willing to wait. Yes, I was strong, understanding, patient but that does not mean my feelings and more importantly my needs need not be heard or met.

My heart still hurts. It stings to know that I wasn't worth more to him. Regardless of my current heart condition, I still have hope that someday, somewhere, someone will come into my life and show me why it never worked out with anyone else. I bought this the other day as a daily reminder to myself that I am a good person, a wonderful catch, and more importantly that there is someone out there who is looking for someone JUST LIKE ME. I know he's out there. I believe he is out there. I just wish we would find each other already.