Critical Condition

I have a hard time accepting compliments. It's one of my faults. For whatever reason, I struggle with believing that the complimentor is being truthful, honest, real. I want to believe them, but I have my doubts. I'm sure it relates to me having major trust issues with people. Sometimes wounds related to broken trust take longer to heal.

Lately, I've been getting a lot of compliments about my hair, my outfits, my "Beauty." I smile, politely say thank you, but then immediately start to doubt. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just believe that what they are saying is true, real, honest, and from the heart?! I bugs me that I'm so critical and doubtful. It's not that I don't appreciate their kindness, it's that I don't believe their words to be true for myself so I have hard time accepting them as the truth for myself. Does that make sense?

The last 20 or so years, I have struggled with my self esteem, self image, loving myself, accepting myself etc... When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was first told that I was chubby. I remember vividly sitting on my Dad's back as he lay on the floor and him sitting up on my hands and knees and him saying "God, you weigh a ton." I was mortified. I also remember playing tag during recess and being told "Don't touch me, you're ugly" by the boy I had a crush on. I was heart broken. When I was in first grade, my teacher called me stupid in front of the whole class, since that day I have never felt like I was smart enough to be anything more than what I already am. I have been told by family members "You have such a pretty face, if you'd lose the weight then you'd be perfect." I know they mean well, but still their words hurt. Even in my most recent relationship when my significant other made a comment on how he could tell I don't drink Skim Milk... knife, heart. He told me I was beautiful numerous times, but hearing that one hurtful comment tore me up and all of the "You're Beautiful's" never existed. As you can imagine hearing such hurtful things as early as 6 years old has infected my brain with lies. I hold onto the lies because it's easier to believe them than to believe the truth. Enough is enough though. I can not continue to live my life this way.

I blogged the other day about Operation Beautiful. I have been leaving little post it notes around my office and on different floors at work. It makes me feel good knowing that I am potentially making others feel good. But then it dawned on me. Maybe I should be making these post it notes for myself. Lightbulb moment. I'm so critical of myself, always. I need to stop it. I need to be nice to myself vs. hiding behind humor that usually pokes fun at my "flaws." How am I ever going to let go of my past, of the lies, of the broken pieces, if I can't honestly look in the mirror and BE NICE to myself? I've created an unhealthy critical condition. A condition only I can change. From this moment, I have checked myself into emotional rehab. They say it takes 20 days to create a habit so for the next 20 days I will be focusing on truly being nice to myself. Self affirmations, saying them aloud, writing them down, over and over and over again until it sticks. Until it sinks in that it is true. Until I believe. If you catch me being negative about myself, call me out on it and make me correct the wrong with 2 rights. Seems to silly, but I need to do this if I am ever going to move past it. Operation Beautiful, Jess starts NOW.