Today

Thanksgiving was nice. Low key, too much food, not enough movement... typical Thanksgiving Day. It was hard for me to really enjoy the day though because in the back of my mind, I knew what was coming today. I didn't get much sleep last night, and it wasn't in anticipation for the Black Friday sales but for my 12pm Dr. Appointment. About 3 years ago I had an abnormal girly exam and needed to have a Colopscopy. The results came back as having elevated pre-cancerous cells. The monitored it for a year and there was no change. A few weeks ago, I went in for my yearly exam and got the dreaded call a few days later saying that I had another abnormal exam.

I went in for my exam and unlike last time, I went by myself. For whatever reason, I thought I was strong enough to do it alone. I was mistaken. As soon as my name was called and I was brought into the room and situated on the exam table, something overcame me and I just lost it. I was so embarrassed but I was more or less just feeling extremely alone and scared. I don't think I was crying over being nervous for the procedure, I was more upset with the potential results. I've been told on more then one occasion that I most likely will have a difficult time having a child naturally or at all. Even though I'm not married or near having a child anytime soon, I still would like to know that when my time does come, I will be be able to have a child. It seems though that my girl parts have started to fail me at a tender age of 27.

Why is it that life can go so good for awhile then it seems to spiral out of control? I've been in another emotional rut and I feel as if the walls are caving in again. I'm trying to stay positive and be optimistic about things but lately it's one thing after another again and I'm beginning to loose faith.

I should have my results back from the procedure sometime next week. Until then I'm going to lay low, drink some wine, take some warm baths and hope things will turn out the way they are suppose too. I have to remind myself of one of my favorite quotes... "In the end, everything will be OK. If things aren't OK, then it's not the end."