Babies, rings, and other little things.

Disclaimer:

What I'm about to blog about stems from a conversation I had yesterday with a dear friend. It may seem to be a little "Dear Diaryish," and little bit of a pity party but they are in fact true feelings that I have and have been struggling with for quite some time. Please take what I'm about to say for what it's worth. I'm not by any means looking for any sympathy or for a shoulder to cry on, rather I'm looking for an outlet to release my inner most thoughts and feelings.

As far as I can remember, I've always struggled with just being happy and content where I'm at in life. I constantly compare myself to others around me and find myself being a bit jealous or wishing I had what others had. Growing up I was constantly criticized and made to feel that I was never good enough by the ones who were suppose to love me unconditionally. Here I am, 25 years old, and feeling yet unfinished and still "Not good enough," by worldly standards and I suppose, my own.

Every Monday seems to be roll call at work of who's expecting a child,who became engaged, or another huge life changing announcement. Though I couldn't be happier for these people, a part of me wishes that something huge and significant would happen in what I feel to be my mediocre life. I'm also reaching a point in my life where my close friends are starting to fall in love, have beautiful weddings, and start their families. And again... I couldn't be happier for these people. It's amazing to watch my close friends go through these changes in life and it also gives me hope to see good things happen to good people. Yet still a part of me wishes something amazing would happen to me. I know... I'm completely selfish for wanting these things let alone saying it aloud, but it's a true and a real pain that is beyond explanation.

I suppose I could take the low road and blame others for my unfortunate situation. Honestly... I can't deny the facts that I had an awful childhood and anyone who comes from a broken home and may understand. It would be so easy to blame my parents for splitting up when I was 13. Or I could blame my 1st grade teacher who called me "Stupid," in front of my entire class. I could also blame the horrible boyfriends I had and who treated me like I was dirt, or the certain "friends," who totally used and abused my friendship for their benefit and then dropped me like a bad habit. Or I could blame the world and all it's misery. Truth is, I can't blame anyone or anything but myself. I am the way I am because I let myself get to this point and the only person who is going to change myself is me. That statement is so hard to say and accept, but it couldn't be more true.

So what am I going to do about everything? What I would love is to create a remote control for life. I could fast forward through the icky parts, pause certain parts, rewind and re tape other parts, but mostly I would love a delete button because some memories would be better off not remembered. But... even with that remote control for life, I would be missing those life changing learning experiences. Each trial I endure is supposedly making me a stronger person in the end and I would have to agree. I would say that I'm a pretty strong person for everything that I have had to go through in my short 25 years of life. Most people would've just given up but I'm still plugging away. Knowing that I have these feelings shows that I'm still a fighter and haven't given up on myself yet. There is so much more out there for me to experience but I am limiting myself with all of my insecurities and self doubt. In a lot of ways I'm still that little girl who is being criticized and told "You're not good enough." But someday... somehow... I have enough hope that I will be able to look in the mirror and truly believe deep in my heart that I am good enough and that I deserve good things.