Monday, January 31, 2011
That girl
I think I’m finding her… you know… that girl… the girl that has been hiding in her shell for a long time. She’s putting the pieces of her heart back together and is realizing that she is a lot stronger then she thought she was. She’s learning to smile again. Learning to laugh. She’s teaching herself to find joy and happiness in small things and is surrounding herself with all things good and positive. She is learning to let go, deal, and heal. She is also realizing that it is ok to be angry because sometimes anger is a good and healthy way to release and move on. She’s learning it’s ok to be selfish and there are times when its ok to say “No” and not feel guilty. Her happiness is becoming her number one priority, and why shouldn’t it be? She is a beautiful person inside and out and the people who are fortunate enough to know her, love her just as she is. She loves with her whole heart but is learning to protect it a little bit more. She is aware of her flaws but is working hard not to obsess over them because it adds to her unique beauty and charisma of all that she is. She is optimistic of her future as she is confident it holds nothing but good things because she will stop at nothing to accomplish her goals and dreams. So yes, I think I'm finding that girl, as that girl, is me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
New Year, New Me.
I had the ENTIRE weekend off this past weekend. No pet sitting, no City job, NOTHING! I was able to take advantage of some much needed "ME" time and it felt REALLY good.
Saturday I slept in, well I tried too at least. My body can't seem to sleep past 8am. I remember the days when I would sleep til 12 or 1pm. Guess I'm getting old. Since I've been working so much for the City and pet sitting (8 pet jobs in a month, WAY TOO MUCH) I had one pissed off kitty on my hands. Between being gone so much and coming home smelling like a million different animals, she had every right to be annoyed. She managed to forgive me though, and pretty much has slept right next to me every night since I've been home. Here is a picture of her curled up right next to my side on Saturday morning. So sweet.
I have decided that I have pretty much the same haircut since birth and here is the evidence...
Age 4, Preschool picture
Age 5, First day of Kindergarten
I went and got my hair cut and colored on Saturday morning. Every time I go in, I say I want something different, something fun, something drastic, but I always end up looking the same. Here is a pic...
Don't get me wrong, I like it! A lot! I am just eagerly hoping 2011 will be a year of good change for me and what better way then to start with a new look. Maybe someday I will round up enough courage to go to the dark side and dye my hair brown and do a pixie cut or better yet, add hair extensions, but until then, I think I will just try to find the new me, in my new shorter and blonder hair the best way I can.
I spent Saturday afternoon/evening hanging out with a good friend and Sunday was spent lounging around at my place, homemade Mac n Cheese at my Mama's, and watching the Golden Globes. I was glad Natalie Portman won for Black Swan but her dress was hideous. Hopefully she will make a better choice come Oscar time. I truly think she will win Best Actress. If you haven't seen Black Swan, I highly recommend it but take warning, it is extremely dark and disturbing. I am still having Black Swan nightmares.
Saturday I slept in, well I tried too at least. My body can't seem to sleep past 8am. I remember the days when I would sleep til 12 or 1pm. Guess I'm getting old. Since I've been working so much for the City and pet sitting (8 pet jobs in a month, WAY TOO MUCH) I had one pissed off kitty on my hands. Between being gone so much and coming home smelling like a million different animals, she had every right to be annoyed. She managed to forgive me though, and pretty much has slept right next to me every night since I've been home. Here is a picture of her curled up right next to my side on Saturday morning. So sweet.
I have decided that I have pretty much the same haircut since birth and here is the evidence...
Age 4, Preschool picture
Age 5, First day of Kindergarten
I went and got my hair cut and colored on Saturday morning. Every time I go in, I say I want something different, something fun, something drastic, but I always end up looking the same. Here is a pic...
Don't get me wrong, I like it! A lot! I am just eagerly hoping 2011 will be a year of good change for me and what better way then to start with a new look. Maybe someday I will round up enough courage to go to the dark side and dye my hair brown and do a pixie cut or better yet, add hair extensions, but until then, I think I will just try to find the new me, in my new shorter and blonder hair the best way I can.
I spent Saturday afternoon/evening hanging out with a good friend and Sunday was spent lounging around at my place, homemade Mac n Cheese at my Mama's, and watching the Golden Globes. I was glad Natalie Portman won for Black Swan but her dress was hideous. Hopefully she will make a better choice come Oscar time. I truly think she will win Best Actress. If you haven't seen Black Swan, I highly recommend it but take warning, it is extremely dark and disturbing. I am still having Black Swan nightmares.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Processing
Dear my very few blog readers,
I am writing you in an attempt to get some advice, help, and also to just write what’s been on my mind and heart the past few months. I feel like a pathetic teenage girl who is obsessing over a stupid boy who is not worth her time, energy, and more importantly her tears. I have good days, but lately the bad days seem to be more frequent. Why do I miss someone who was so rotten to me for so many years? Why do I love someone who has deemed himself not worthy by his moral actions and decisions? It’s a hurt that can’t seem to go away no matter how hard I try to dismiss it.
Everyone has had their hearts broken before so my question to you is how did you handle it? How did you get over it? It’s easy for people to say “Just keep busy to distract yourself.” Believe me, I AM busy! Extremely busy. I’ve done everything I can do to cut him out of my life. I’ve deleted his number, tossed pictures, thrown cards, emails and letters, and last but not least, de-friended him on Facebook, yet the thought of him and what he meant to me and the lack of what I meant to him creeps in everyday. I really struggle with this and I want so badly for the pain to just go away. I’m trying to process everything but instead of moving on with my life, I feel like I am stuck with the pieces of what’s left of my heart. How do I deal and even more so, how do I heal? Why do so many of life’s lessons have to come at the cost of a broken heart?
Please help… I’m willing to hear it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I need tough love so feel free to smack me across the face with the truth and or just flat out shake me until I am set straight.
Sincerely,
Desperately seeking peace in my heart… Jess
I am writing you in an attempt to get some advice, help, and also to just write what’s been on my mind and heart the past few months. I feel like a pathetic teenage girl who is obsessing over a stupid boy who is not worth her time, energy, and more importantly her tears. I have good days, but lately the bad days seem to be more frequent. Why do I miss someone who was so rotten to me for so many years? Why do I love someone who has deemed himself not worthy by his moral actions and decisions? It’s a hurt that can’t seem to go away no matter how hard I try to dismiss it.
Everyone has had their hearts broken before so my question to you is how did you handle it? How did you get over it? It’s easy for people to say “Just keep busy to distract yourself.” Believe me, I AM busy! Extremely busy. I’ve done everything I can do to cut him out of my life. I’ve deleted his number, tossed pictures, thrown cards, emails and letters, and last but not least, de-friended him on Facebook, yet the thought of him and what he meant to me and the lack of what I meant to him creeps in everyday. I really struggle with this and I want so badly for the pain to just go away. I’m trying to process everything but instead of moving on with my life, I feel like I am stuck with the pieces of what’s left of my heart. How do I deal and even more so, how do I heal? Why do so many of life’s lessons have to come at the cost of a broken heart?
Please help… I’m willing to hear it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I need tough love so feel free to smack me across the face with the truth and or just flat out shake me until I am set straight.
Sincerely,
Desperately seeking peace in my heart… Jess
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Just keep believing my friends.
I’ve heard the saying “When you’re going through Hell, just keep going.” Life continues to go on with or without you no matter what the circumstance. A hopeful yet very hard concept to understand. My life is still business as usual but it seems like my friends lives are the opposite. Lots of negative things happening... car accidents, baby deaths, theft are just a few of the horrible things my friends are going through. It absolutely breaks my heart to hear of these things and I can’t help but feel completely helpless for them, as there isn’t anything I can say or do to take the pain, anger, frustration away. Sometimes it is so hard to see God’s plan and purpose when bad things happen to good people. I understand that life has many lessons to be learned but why does it have to come at the cost of hearts being broken so badly? For my friends who are currently experiencing tough times, I’m sorry. My heart aches for you and if I could take the pain away, I would. I’m here for you in the best way I can be. I hope that good news and good fortune are on their way soon. This too, shall pass. Keep believing.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
It's going to be Heaven, in 2011!
I did it, I survived 2010! I had big hopes that 2010 was going to be a good year for me, but I was sadly disappointed. Good riddance! Time to move on to bigger and better things. I’ve been trying to figure out what my New Years resolution is going to be. I’m not a big believer in resolutions as I feel they only line you up to be disappointed when you don’t accomplish them, however I have come up with a list of things I want to work on…
I want and more importantly NEED to be nicer to myself. Truth is, I don’t really like myself a majority of the time. I tend to poke fun at my flaws, a lot, and it needs to stop. Sometimes it’s hard to look in mirror and be completely honest with yourself. I don’t like what I see, but it doesn’t do me any good to constantly put myself down due to my shortcomings. Instead, I am going to try my best to embrace them and learn to love me, for me, just as I am.
I want to learn the power of “No.” I am a people pleaser in every sense of the word. When someone asks something of me, I always say yes, even when I want to or should say no. This year, I am going to be selfish, when I need to be and learn the power of no!
I say this every year, but this year I am going to mean it. I WILL BE TAKING AN ACTUAL VACATION!!!!!!!!!!! Can I afford to? Probably not, but I also can’t afford not to, either. I’m thinking about going someplace right after Christmas-New Years Day 2011. Someplace warm, and most likely by myself unless someone wants to join me.
I’m going to TRY and not work as much. I have been working so hard to pay off some debt, and managed to pay off a HUGE Bank of America line of credit last year! PRAISE JESUS! Even so, I STILL have debt that I am trying to take care, little by little it is going down, but that doesn’t mean I need to work myself so hard. Life is for living, right? I’m going to try and live a little bit more vs. feeling like I’m a slave to it.
Last but not least, I’m going to keep looking forward, and not look back. There ARE good things in my future, I just know it. I’m ready, I’m so so ready. So BRING IT ON, 2011! This will be a great year!
I want and more importantly NEED to be nicer to myself. Truth is, I don’t really like myself a majority of the time. I tend to poke fun at my flaws, a lot, and it needs to stop. Sometimes it’s hard to look in mirror and be completely honest with yourself. I don’t like what I see, but it doesn’t do me any good to constantly put myself down due to my shortcomings. Instead, I am going to try my best to embrace them and learn to love me, for me, just as I am.
I want to learn the power of “No.” I am a people pleaser in every sense of the word. When someone asks something of me, I always say yes, even when I want to or should say no. This year, I am going to be selfish, when I need to be and learn the power of no!
I say this every year, but this year I am going to mean it. I WILL BE TAKING AN ACTUAL VACATION!!!!!!!!!!! Can I afford to? Probably not, but I also can’t afford not to, either. I’m thinking about going someplace right after Christmas-New Years Day 2011. Someplace warm, and most likely by myself unless someone wants to join me.
I’m going to TRY and not work as much. I have been working so hard to pay off some debt, and managed to pay off a HUGE Bank of America line of credit last year! PRAISE JESUS! Even so, I STILL have debt that I am trying to take care, little by little it is going down, but that doesn’t mean I need to work myself so hard. Life is for living, right? I’m going to try and live a little bit more vs. feeling like I’m a slave to it.
Last but not least, I’m going to keep looking forward, and not look back. There ARE good things in my future, I just know it. I’m ready, I’m so so ready. So BRING IT ON, 2011! This will be a great year!
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