Silent Treatment

The last few weeks have been incredibly hard.I spent all of last week willing my phone to ring or a message to pop through from him, but nothing. Thanksgiving came and I thought to myself, I will make the first move, send him a message to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, only to check my phone every 20 minutes, with nothing. I tried my best to keep myself busy throughout the weekend but still staring at my phone wishing that green flashing light would start to flicker, but nothing. No answer, was my answer and I wasn't going to accept it. I began to assume the absolute worst in everything and dug myself into a deep, deep hole of tears, loneliness, and sadness.

I don't do well with the silent treatment. I'm a communicator. Whenever there is conflict, I want to talk it out and resolve immediately. It's hard for me to give people their space but I also understand that sometimes it is needed. But a whole week when I am so use to talking everyday? I was not ok. It was a hard pill to swallow and I couldn't help but take it personally that I did or said something wrong, even though I know I only expressed how I was feeling and like HE said to me several weeks ago, "You should never apologize for how you feel."

I'm trying so hard to see the good in this situation. I'm trying to see that that there is a reason this is all happening but the selfish, angry, hurt, and confused part of me just wants to have a pity party and scream "Why is this happening AGAIN??!!" Do you ever feel that sometimes God is giving you the silent treatment? That's how I have been feeling for awhile but then I realized that maybe I was giving Him the silent treatment. It was an heart opening experience. I was humbled.

I ended up going to Church on Sunday night. It was the first time in a long time that I had stepped foot into God's House. I felt ashamed, unworthy, and completely out of place. I know that being there was exactly where I needed to be at that moment. The worship songs, prayers, scripture, and sermon were all things I needed to hear. Funny how that works out. This scripture really stuck out at me and I have been repeating it often:

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." Hebrews 10:22

I can't explain why but I left Church feeling at peace. I felt that He was in control and He will take care of me and the situation I am now, and always. I fell asleep that night and slept soundly which hadn't been the case for the past week or so. I woke up feeling refreshed and confident that the day was going to bring good things.

I ended up sending another message to P asking if we could please find some time to discuss our situation. I wasn't expecting a response as my mind was programmed to believe that I was never going to hear from him again. To my great surprise, he did respond. His words were simple and even expressed how unhappy he had been knowing how things were left between us and agreed that we should meet and talk things out in person. We are planning to meet tomorrow. I'm anxious to see him, and extremely nervous. My heart is saying "Just hug him, kiss him, and forget that anything ever happened" but my head is saying "You need to truly tell him how you feel, what you need, what you deserve." It's a battle between 2 Jessica's. In the past, my heart has always been the judge, but in the case I need to push myself outside of my comfort zone and use my head. If things are meant to be then my head and heart will coincide with one another and it will be.

Thankful Thursdays (On Wednesday)

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I can't believe it. This month (year) has flown by. Since tomorrow I will be away from the blog world, I decided to post my last November Thankful Thursdays post today.

1. I am thankful for my heart. Though it is too big for its own good and it may be broken, it is still beating and soon the pieces will be put back together and I'll be stronger, wiser, and better than ever!

2. I am thankful for heat. Last week it became winter, fast. Temps dropping from 50's to teens is a hard adjustment. I'm lucky to be able to go home to a warm house.

3. I am thankful for food. There are so many people out there that are hungry. The fact that I get to go home to cupboards and a fridge that is filled with food makes me feel truly lucky and blessed.

4. I'm thankful for Scripture. God has been placing verses into my brain and my eyes and ears are open again to His truth. Jeremiah 29:11... holding onto that truth today.

5. I'm thankful for my Mama. She has been a true support to me not only the past few weeks but for the past 29 years. The older you get, the more you realize how much your parents sacrificed for you back then, and still today.

6. I'm thankful YOU... yes YOU... reading this right now. I blog because I like to write. I write because it feels like therapy to me. So many thoughts, so many feelings and I am able to truly express them all here, in my safe place. Thank you.

7. I'm thankful for laughter. It heals the soul.

8. I'm thankful for genuine kindness from strangers. A sincere smile, just because truly makes my day. Try it sometime, it feels good.

9. I'm thankful for vacation and personal days off. Sometimes you just need a day to rest, be lazy, or be productive! I plan on taking Friday and being... lazy.

10. Most of all, I am thankful that people are thankful for me. I am so loved, wanted, needed, cherished, and adored by the ones who truly love and care for me. How lucky and blessed am I?

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Count your blessings! Even the small ones. We all have something to be thankful for, even on our worst days. Cheers!

Truth

1 Corinthians 13
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."

We've all heard this verse MANY times. Besides John 3:16, 1 Corinthians 13 Love verse is probably the most popular verse in the Bible. Have you ever really truly read the words though on what LOVE is?? Truly reading every, single, word? This verse has been replaying in my mind the past few days as I am trying to digest everything that is happening in my own "Love" life. I know God placed this verse in my head for a reason. I know that God is trying to tell me to focus on what TRUE LOVE really is. It's like a ton of bricks hitting my soul.

Ok, I get it God. Can you please take these broken pieces and super glue them back together? Yours Truly, Jess

Hop, skip, and a jump

Things are falling apart. If I wanted to be completely honest with myself, it's been a long time coming. I just kept pushing the reality of things aside in hopes that it was a just a dream. I kept saying "It's ok, I understand, I'll be patient and understanding and keep settling for less than I deserve because I'm selfless and have hope that if I am patient enough, It will all work out." I look like an idiot and more important... I look pathetic. My heart may be too big for it's own good but sticking around and waiting this shitstorm out in hopes that MAYBE things will work out is pathetic. I tolerate ill treatment because I don't think I deserve anything better as it is all I've ever been use too. Every time, every single freaking time I hear the same excuse "I can't give you what you need." "It's not you, it's me." 10 years of dating and it's always the same lines. Always the same excuses. Always the same broken heart.

We haven't officially ended things as I'm a lady and I don't break up via text or over the phone, but I know deep inside we are a hop, skip and a jump away from pulling the plug. He said he needs to "Evaluate" things which is code for I'm delaying the inevitable. I can't be mad at him though. His plate is full and clearly he wasn't ready for a relationship. But I can be hurt which is exactly how I feel. He knew very well what he was getting into and more importantly, what he was bringing me into. I made the decision to stick it out and quite honestly, I lasted a lot longer than most people would've tolerated.

I've leaned on several friends for comfort and support and they all say the same thing "You are better than this shit.... you are worth so much more... he doesn't realize what he is letting go." Why is it so hard for me to listen to their words when everything in my heart and mind is screaming "Why is this happening AGAIN!!???!!" I'm so fed up. I'm so sick of being hurt. I'm so sick of being disposable. I'm so sick of this routine. I guess I take comfort in knowing that despite all of the heart break and tears, my heart still beats. My heart still feels and I will at some point muster up enough courage to try again. You would think that I would be a pro at getting over a broken heart by now, but the truth is, it doesn't get any easier.

Like any good hopeless romantic going through a difficult time in a relationship, they watch The Notebook because 1. It is the perfect love story and 2. we all secretly hope our lives and love stories were like that and 3. we like to torture ourselves. What can I say, I'm an emotional cutter. I balled like a baby during this scene as that is exactly how I feel, right now.

Someone Like You part 2

I love Adele. Like, really LOVE. This is by far my favorite song by her. Typically I am not a fan of songs being re-made from their originality, however the 2 below really blew me away. Goosebumps, even a tear... WOW.



I wish I could sing.