ring around the rosy

Definition of Masochist:

"A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences."

He was the only person I have ever allowed myself to love but is also the only person who has truly broken me because I loved/love him. He has given me a million reasons to hate him, but yet I still feel exceptionally drawn to him whenever he manages to sneak back in. He has moved on. Practically married, and helping raise her two kids but still continues to have a "Friendship" with me that is secret. I allow this to be because the thought of still having him in my life in a minimal way is still somehow better than him not being there at all. It's not right. It's not fair. I deserve more, but in some twisted way I must enjoy the icky feeling I'm left with whenever our conversations end and the few and far between times I have seen him in the last few years since we split.

He always initiates contact. I always respond. I can't say no to him. I miss him, I miss us. We had an amazing 5 years together. More good times than bad. He brought out the best in me, but also the worst.  We had a connection. We had a special bond. I truly thought that someday he would get over his bs commitment issues and make it official with us, but he never did. I haven't let go of that dream of what if. It's holding me back. I know this and only I can do something about it.

A few weeks ago he contacted me and asked if he could stop by. I said yes. As he walked into my place, he seemed sad. I asked why he was here... he said he didn't want to go home. I didn't know what to say. My heart hurt for him. I have asked him many times why he hasn't let me go. He said it's hard to let go of someone he loves and who has had such an impact on his life. It's heart breaking. Though his actions may not necessarily align with those of someone who loves someone... I know that he does care for me and has love for me. In a letter he wrote me shortly after we split a few years ago, he told me that I was, at that time, the one true and great love of his life. It was everything I needed to hear, but too late. I moved on, and he eventually moved on too. But still, he comes back to me. I let him come back. I can't seem to say no. I can't seem to let go. This ring around the rosy back and forth game is holding me back. I hate him for this. I hate me for this. He's like a drug I can't seem to quit. I want to, but something continues to tell me to hold on.

Feel free to virtually shake me in disappointment. I have been doing the same thing mentally for years.

Falling for Fall

It's here... the dreaded F word. Fall. Though I secretly like the season, it's just a hop skip and a jump away from winter and the sun magically disappears for what seems like a century. Here is my attempt to accept that summer is gone, and fall has arrived. I think the real reasoning behind the word "Boo" is not to scare you, but to pout that summer is over. Booooooo. My sun kissed skin is slowly turning back into its whiter than snow Scandinavian roots again. No megusta. But alas... Fall is here and I'm trying hard to embrace it.

This past weekend was especially chilly. Highs in the 50's and lows near freezing. I'm still rockin' my flippy floppy's though. Until there is snow on the ground, I will stay committed! I woke up Saturday morning and decided that I needed some coffee and the chilly temps was more reason to get my favorite warm drink from Caribou... I present, the Campfire Mocha!! It's a s'more in a cup. 800 glorious caffeinated calories to jump start my day. Amazing.

I spent my weekend pet sitting. I desperately missed my bed, and kitty. I got home yesterday morning and snuggled in reading, napping, and cuddling with my beast kitty. After a good 2 hours of nothingness, I decided to bake some cookies for a friend in which I missed. They were alright... not my best attempt but there is something about baking that refreshes the senses. Warm cookies, cold glass of milk. Perfection. Perfectly fall.
Excuse my mess on my vanity. I keep saying I'm going to take a day to super clean and organize my place, but I keep finding all sorts of excuses to post pone. Funny how that happens. Side note, that Vanity was my Grandma and Grandpa's  when they first got married. My parents had it when they first got married and it was passed down to me. A very special piece. It also matches a dresser. Very shabby chic. Love.

Miss Lulu beast kitty has been exceptionally affectionate lately. The cooler temperatures encourage her to snuggle in under the covers and take advantage of Mama's warmth and vice versa. Doesn't she look so happy to be taking this picture with me?! Ha... she loves it. The selfish part of me wishes I was sharing covers with someone special, but until then, Lulu kitty will have to do. Funny how animals can fill certain voids. I'm thankful I have her. Though her love is totally conditional provided I feed her, it is nice to have something to come home too. Life would be pretty lonely without her there.

Chocolate has become my best friend lately. I love Dove Dark Chocolate and technically Dark Chocolate is suppose to be GOOD for you, so that's my justification for enjoying it so much. I also enjoy Dove because they leave your heart filled with little promises and truths... like this awesome statement:

"It's OK to be fabulous AND flawed!"

Phew, thank God! I carry a lot of flaws. A LOT. But I think I have a lot of fabulous parts to me too.  I am who I am. No excuses, no justifications.

125 days and I will be in Hawaii. :)

Sleepy

Do you ever have one of those days where you are driving, arrive somewhere but then realize you have no idea how you actually got there? Welcome to my life the past few weeks. I feel like a walking Zombie. I'm tired, no exhausted but can't seem to rest my mind, body or soul.

Work has been insane. Doing two jobs within 40 hours a week is impossible but I am thankful I have a job. My new counterpart starts on Monday but unfortunately its going to be a good 3 months until she is fully up to speed and I have been assigned her trainer/mentor. Apparently I'm an expert. It's not that I don't like helping others out, I just don't see myself as being a good teacher. When it comes to projects or tasks, I do much better on my own. I get along just fine in a group setting, but I feel I am more productive when it's just me. It's an "Opportunity" of mine, and I hope to learn patience with myself as I embark on this next three months of training someone new. I have to remind myself that a year ago, I was the one being trained in my current position.

I've been pet sitting a lot lately. The extra money is nice, but the time away from my home is not. I wish I could say no to more jobs if it doesn't fit my schedule but I feel bad and know how stressful it can be to coordinate taking care of your pet when you are heading out a town. Maybe it would be different if my clients booked my services farther out in advance vs. just a few days notice. When they say "Hey Jess, I know this is super last minute but I am leaving for 4 days tomorrow, can you stay with my dog," I kinda feel trapped and forced to say yes because if I don't, their weekend plans are ruined, but at the same time my weekend plans are ruined too. Ugh... now I'm just complaining. I need to learn to say no more, even if the thought of doing so gives me anxiety.

I'm going to another wedding next weekend and REALLY looking forward to kicking back and having a good time. My plus one plans fell through, but I have a feeling I will have a better time going solo. I already had plans to get my hair done and I may splurge and get my make up done too. I'm worth it and if I feel I look good, I know that will only boost my chances of having an even more amazing night.

Happy Friday ya'll and happy last day of Summer!

P.S. I leave for Hawaii in 128 days. :)

130 Days

When I was 6 years old, I had the opportunity to go visit family in Hawaii. I remember being SO excited. I even took swimming lessons so I could swim in the ocean. My ticket was purchased, bags were nearly packed and then a few days before we were suppose to leave, I was told that the trip wouldn't be happening. I was crushed. It has been a dream ever since that I go and visit the beautiful islands of Hawaii.

A few years ago, a friend of mine from High School moved to Honolulu. Her husband is in the military and they were stationed there. (Rough, right?!) Ever since she moved, she has been trying to get me to go visit her. Trust me, I've wanted to drop everything and not only go visit her, but flat out move there but the logical side of my brain always seems to win. Tickets are insanely expensive, and the cost of living is just as crazy too. The upside, you are in paradise and that to me, is priceless.

As I have mentioned, the past few weeks have been rough at work and outside of work hasn't been so peachy either. I reached a wall yesterday and needed a mental break so I started searching for flights to Hawaii. I emailed my friend some options to see if she was game. She was. I took last night to digest the price tag and this morning, I bit the bullet and booked the flight. Gulp. I. AM. SO. EXCITED!!!!! It has been a dream that I visit Hawaii and now it will come true in a mere 130 days. I have something to look forward to, and not to mention a nice little break from winter in January/February. I leave January 27th and come back February 6th. 9 FULL days in paradise. Bliss.

There is a good chance I may never come back to MN. I kid. Sorta. Never say never though. :)

Acceptance

In a world full of opposites, I'm learning to accept that I fit in just fine. Though I strive to be the best version of me I can possibly be, I'm not perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome.

I'm  trying to focus on those awesome parts more, and let the not so awesome just be. My imperfections are a part of me and that's ok. I'm a work in progress.  

This being a grown up thing is tough but I think I am managing ok. Some days are better than others and on those not so great days, that's what wine and chocolate is for. I've reached the point in my adulthood where it is perfectly acceptable to drink alone and have chocolate for dinner.

Someday I hope to look back at this time in my life and laugh at how silly I was for being so worried, so stressed, so anxious over things that I have no control over. My only true job right now is to focus on being me and choosing happiness. Life always works out the way it is supposed to, so why fight it? I have a blessed life and it's time I start focusing on those little blessings versus wishing for other blessings to appear. God's timing is never early, never late. Always on time. His time.