As wonderful and joyous this time of year is suppose to be, I always seem to struggle with truly embracing the Holidays and just enjoying them. The Holidays tend to be a very lonely and sad time of year for me. The main reason being that my parents split up around Christmas time when I was 13. That pain is still very real and present in my everyday life today. Those scars haven't fully healed, probably in large part because I haven't really let them heal yet.
I always look back at my childhood Christmases and how many wonderful memories my family had together. My parents struggled when I was younger but the one thing I do remember is my brother and I were never without especially during Christmas. Santa always remembered our wishes and on Christmas morning he would leave an abundance of gifts under the tree. As I am getting older, the more and more I am yearning for a family of my own. I desperately want to start new traditions and make new memories with a husband and children. I know that I'm still "Young," and "Have plenty of time to start a family," but each year I get older, the more distant that dream is from becoming a reality.I've blogged about happiness and being content in life where you are at. I truly believe I have made steps in that area of my life, but it never seems to fail that around the Holiday's, all of that progress I may have made goes straight out the window.
This Christmas, my only wish is that I make an effort to focus on what I have versus what I want. I think this is something that everyone can focus on. Society tells us we need to have this, we need to buy that, we need, we need, WE NEED!!! (No wonder our economy is in a recession. GREED!!) What I really want and what I need are different things right now and I have faith that someday my wants will come true. Someday, I will have a husband and a family in which I can dot upon, begin new traditions and build new memories with. Someday I will have someone to kiss on New Years. Someday I will have children I can rock to sleep and tuck in at night. Someday I will have someone to fall asleep next too and wake up next to in the morning. Someday... those wishes WILL come true. All I have to do is Believe.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I have A LOT to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!
For starters, I have a new job in which I absolutely love! It is such an amazing feeling getting up in the morning and actually WANTING to go to work. I’m still in the euphoric state of mind and can’t help but have a smile plastered on my face throughout the day. My boss has even commented saying “Are you always this happy?” Truth is, I haven’t been this happy about things in a LONG TIME. I never realized how unhappy I was until now. I want to bottle this feeling up and take it out when things start to get rough and tough again because as I know and experienced many times, life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies.
I’m also thankful that I’m making a life for myself completely on my own. Given our economic environment, I think that is something worth tooting my own horn about! I still live check to check, (I only have $25 in my checking account until Friday oops) but I’m making it. I’m surviving. I’m living the “American Dream!” My house is officially my home. Such a great feeling.
Since I started loosing weight, I’ve gained more self confidence. I’ve never been able to love, accept and most of all respect myself. For the first time I can proudly say that I like what I see on the inside and the outside is still a work in progress. I recently learned the power of “no” and used this new life skill in standing up for myself. I can’t explain how empowering it felt to tell someone, whom I love and care about deeply that I need, deserve, and I’m worth so much more.
Last but not least, I am thankful for my family and friends. I wouldn’t be who I am without their constant love and support.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
I’m also thankful that I’m making a life for myself completely on my own. Given our economic environment, I think that is something worth tooting my own horn about! I still live check to check, (I only have $25 in my checking account until Friday oops) but I’m making it. I’m surviving. I’m living the “American Dream!” My house is officially my home. Such a great feeling.
Since I started loosing weight, I’ve gained more self confidence. I’ve never been able to love, accept and most of all respect myself. For the first time I can proudly say that I like what I see on the inside and the outside is still a work in progress. I recently learned the power of “no” and used this new life skill in standing up for myself. I can’t explain how empowering it felt to tell someone, whom I love and care about deeply that I need, deserve, and I’m worth so much more.
Last but not least, I am thankful for my family and friends. I wouldn’t be who I am without their constant love and support.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Busy bee
Life has been crazy but full of wonderful things lately!! I will debrief you below
1. I started a new job on Monday and I'm LOVING IT!!! Normally I would be stressing myself out with all of the new information I am taking in and putting unrealistic expectations on myself and feeling the the need to know everything right away, but I'm not. My new team is so incridibly nice and welcoming. I came in on Monday with a lovely card and beautiful plant welcoming me to the team. My new boss is a complete sweetheart. We even share the same Birthday and both agree that June 3rd is the greatest day EVER! For the first time in a long time, I actually want to go to work. What an amazing feeling!
2. I've lost 12 lbs, a pant size, and 4 inches since starting WW. Enough said.
3. The Holiday's are upon us. EEEEEEEEeeeek! I'm never ready for it but I'm actually looking forward to taking time off at Christmas to spend time with family and friends.
4. My pet sitting business is booming! I'm booking jobs into March already! Who would've thought that creating a few business cards 2 years ago would bring on such a business need for pet sitting!
5. There is a 90% chance I am going to DC to watch Obama be sworn in on January 20th. Yah!!!
Hope all is well with everyone else's worlds. Ta ta for now!
1. I started a new job on Monday and I'm LOVING IT!!! Normally I would be stressing myself out with all of the new information I am taking in and putting unrealistic expectations on myself and feeling the the need to know everything right away, but I'm not. My new team is so incridibly nice and welcoming. I came in on Monday with a lovely card and beautiful plant welcoming me to the team. My new boss is a complete sweetheart. We even share the same Birthday and both agree that June 3rd is the greatest day EVER! For the first time in a long time, I actually want to go to work. What an amazing feeling!
2. I've lost 12 lbs, a pant size, and 4 inches since starting WW. Enough said.
3. The Holiday's are upon us. EEEEEEEEeeeek! I'm never ready for it but I'm actually looking forward to taking time off at Christmas to spend time with family and friends.
4. My pet sitting business is booming! I'm booking jobs into March already! Who would've thought that creating a few business cards 2 years ago would bring on such a business need for pet sitting!
5. There is a 90% chance I am going to DC to watch Obama be sworn in on January 20th. Yah!!!
Hope all is well with everyone else's worlds. Ta ta for now!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Letter
I received the following letter in the mail on Saturday.
"Jessica,
I was thinking about you today and thought I would send you a little note. I know how special it is to get “Real” mail.
As I begin planning my future, I realize how scary it can be but also how exciting and rewarding. I admire the fact that you have made a life for yourself and you should be proud of yourself too. It is a HUGE accomplishment and most of all, you are doing it on your own. You are a strong, beautiful, independent woman and I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned from you. You are my hero and someone who I look up to. Thank you for all that you do for me and for your encouragement throughout the years. I cherish our friendship and consider you a sister.
Love,
Lindsey."
For those of you who don't know who Lindsey is, she is my my brother's ex girlfriend. The sweetest, more sincere person I know. My brother is a complete idiot for not working things out with her. Anyways... her letter brought tears to my eyes and a boost of confidence I truly need at this point in my life. I love her.
"Jessica,
I was thinking about you today and thought I would send you a little note. I know how special it is to get “Real” mail.
As I begin planning my future, I realize how scary it can be but also how exciting and rewarding. I admire the fact that you have made a life for yourself and you should be proud of yourself too. It is a HUGE accomplishment and most of all, you are doing it on your own. You are a strong, beautiful, independent woman and I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned from you. You are my hero and someone who I look up to. Thank you for all that you do for me and for your encouragement throughout the years. I cherish our friendship and consider you a sister.
Love,
Lindsey."
For those of you who don't know who Lindsey is, she is my my brother's ex girlfriend. The sweetest, more sincere person I know. My brother is a complete idiot for not working things out with her. Anyways... her letter brought tears to my eyes and a boost of confidence I truly need at this point in my life. I love her.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
EXPRESS
What ever happened to the, “Treat others as you would want to be treated,” moto? I feel we are living in a more shallow and hateful world more than ever. I experienced something this past weekend that was so unbelievable painful that I had to blog about it.
I went to the State Fair on Saturday with a good friend of mine and had a lovely time. We parked at Rosedale Park and Ride and when we got back to my car we decided to stop in the mall and just browse for a little bit. My friend wanted to go into the store Express. She decided to try on some jeans so I just walked around looking at the clothes while thinking to myself, “My God, everything is so overpriced.” The store was relatively slow in traffic because of the Fair going on down the street. Whenever I am in a retail store, I try to steer clear of the sales people. I hate how they always ask you, “Can I help you find something,” or “What are you shopping for today?” When I shop, I like to just browse through things, pick the items I want to try on, pay for them and leave. I’m not big on the chit chat but understand it is a part of their job etc… On this particular day I wasn’t so lucky to avoid the annoying sales lady. As I was admiring some beautiful but overpriced tops, I was approached by one of the sales ladies who proceeded to tell me the following: “Hi… Our store only has sizes up to Large and Size 14. Maybe you should go next door to Lane Bryant and check out what they have for you.” I just sat there, tears welling in my eyes trying to stay strong. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. That someone could be so rude and hurtful that they would even say such a thing. I just smiled, and replied. “I’m actually here with a friend who is trying on Jeans,” and walked away.
I’m not dumb or oblivious to the fact that I’m a bigger girl, and by the world standards, and apparently Express, I’m FAT. I’ve always struggled with my weight and as soon as I am close to accepting and loving myself the way I am, I am hit by a truck with a comment like that and I’m back to square one which is feeling insecure, fat and ugly. Before this whole thing happened, I had made a commitment to myself that I was going to join Weight Watchers again. I was really motivated and committed to starting it again. Now, more than ever I want to do this. Not because I need to prove to the Skinny Bitch sales lady at Express that I can fit into their clothes, but because there is more to be than just my pretty face. I can not tell you how many times I’ve been told, “Jess, you have such a beautiful face, if only you would loose the weight, you would be a catch.” I’m sick of being the “Pretty Face, Fat chick girl.” I want to be the, “Pretty face, healthy, loves herself and the skin she is in girl.” It’s only been 2 days since I officially started the WW program and so far, it’s going ok except all I can think about is eating a box of Double Stuffed Oreos and a gallon of Milk. Nice right?!
For the record, I will never shop at Express again, even when I am skinny enough to fit in their pretentious and overpriced clothes!
I went to the State Fair on Saturday with a good friend of mine and had a lovely time. We parked at Rosedale Park and Ride and when we got back to my car we decided to stop in the mall and just browse for a little bit. My friend wanted to go into the store Express. She decided to try on some jeans so I just walked around looking at the clothes while thinking to myself, “My God, everything is so overpriced.” The store was relatively slow in traffic because of the Fair going on down the street. Whenever I am in a retail store, I try to steer clear of the sales people. I hate how they always ask you, “Can I help you find something,” or “What are you shopping for today?” When I shop, I like to just browse through things, pick the items I want to try on, pay for them and leave. I’m not big on the chit chat but understand it is a part of their job etc… On this particular day I wasn’t so lucky to avoid the annoying sales lady. As I was admiring some beautiful but overpriced tops, I was approached by one of the sales ladies who proceeded to tell me the following: “Hi… Our store only has sizes up to Large and Size 14. Maybe you should go next door to Lane Bryant and check out what they have for you.” I just sat there, tears welling in my eyes trying to stay strong. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. That someone could be so rude and hurtful that they would even say such a thing. I just smiled, and replied. “I’m actually here with a friend who is trying on Jeans,” and walked away.
I’m not dumb or oblivious to the fact that I’m a bigger girl, and by the world standards, and apparently Express, I’m FAT. I’ve always struggled with my weight and as soon as I am close to accepting and loving myself the way I am, I am hit by a truck with a comment like that and I’m back to square one which is feeling insecure, fat and ugly. Before this whole thing happened, I had made a commitment to myself that I was going to join Weight Watchers again. I was really motivated and committed to starting it again. Now, more than ever I want to do this. Not because I need to prove to the Skinny Bitch sales lady at Express that I can fit into their clothes, but because there is more to be than just my pretty face. I can not tell you how many times I’ve been told, “Jess, you have such a beautiful face, if only you would loose the weight, you would be a catch.” I’m sick of being the “Pretty Face, Fat chick girl.” I want to be the, “Pretty face, healthy, loves herself and the skin she is in girl.” It’s only been 2 days since I officially started the WW program and so far, it’s going ok except all I can think about is eating a box of Double Stuffed Oreos and a gallon of Milk. Nice right?!
For the record, I will never shop at Express again, even when I am skinny enough to fit in their pretentious and overpriced clothes!
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