Living to my full potential

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel so completely lazy and useless that you just feel like you aren't truly living to your full potential? I seem to have those days all too often, especially lately.

If I look back at my life in the past 28 years, I guess you could say I've done pretty well. I graduated High School, went to college and obtained a 2 year degree, got a real job, bought a house, a car. Living the "American Dream" but yet I feel so unfinished, so unfulfilled at times, like the life I've been living isn't to its fullest potential.

When I was 6 years old, my teacher called me stupid in front of my entire class. From that moment on throughout my schooling years and even in my job today, I've always managed to just do enough to get by. Never going above and beyond in anything. I've taken jobs that were safe and within my skill and ability level. Never really pushing myself to go any further or truly be successful in anything. When opportunities present themselves, I usually self doubt and tell myself I'm not good enough, deserving enough, smart enough or even capable of being anything more then what I already am. I'm still very much that little girl sitting at her desk while her teacher calls her stupid and dumb in front of all of her classmates and friends.

Obviously like any other human being, I have insecurities and they like to creep up every now and again. The past few weeks I feel as if I have hit a wall in life. I'm going through the motions. Smiling on the outside but crying on the inside. I feel like there is so much more I should or could be doing with my life but yet the fear paralyzes me and my self doubt wins over my dreams and aspirations. I'm trying to stay positive. Focus on the good things in my life vs. concentrating on the negative but I still feel so blah. I can't help but think to myself, "Is this all there is to life? To my life?"

I need some motivation. Something that will make me want to get off my lazy ass and do something. It's more then just reading a good book, joining an exercise program, rekindling friendships, or volunteering. It's a life change I desperately need, not just a quick fix.

I'm sick of settling for mediocrity. I long to be something and someone great vs. hiding behind my scared skin.

"Man Cold" from Man Stroke Woman

Thursday laughter.

Friday pick me up

This video makes me laugh out loud. The kids expressions are priceless, especially the little baby who giggles near the end.

When bad things happen to good people

Life is complicated. Life is unfair. Sometimes it's so much easier to be negative then it is to be positive. A co-worker from work found out that she has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. She is 33 years old. What the #$%!. Even though I don't know Dayna on a personal level, she is a person. A human being. A young, beautiful, talented full of life girl, who is being robbed. Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. Sometimes I just look up and shake my head, trying so hard and desperately to see the good in this situation, to see God's plan when everything around me feels the opposite. Dayna has created a Caringbridge site to keep everyone informed on her status and progress. She has an incredible sense of humor, that right there will cure her. She openly has said that she is making Cancer her Bitch. Ha, I love it. That's right, girl. Cancer is your Bitch! You take control and fight this Bitch to the end, and win!

I don't know why I am letting this affect me so much. Like I said, I'm not close with her, just a mere acquaintance. It just hurts my heart. It hurts my heart that life can literally be taken away from you in a matter of seconds. It makes me sad to know that this could potentially happen to someone close to me and that very thought scares me. Scares me into making things right now. To live my life to the fullest NOW and live with no regrets. To make sure I call my parents, tell them I love them. To hug my friends and family a little tighter in saying good bye, because no one knows what tomorrow brings. To ask for forgiveness from those who I have done wrong to because why put it off one more day, when that release will set me free from guilt.

My head and my heart are at a very sensitive spot right now. I've reached an age when the reality of death, and even at a young age and the impact he has on ones soul, can be and is devastating. I gotta believe that there is a plan in all of this. That God is in control, even though it seems to be the opposite. I gotta believe in and do believe in miracles as they happen every, single day. So, to end this questioning life post, go home and tell your family you love them. Pick up that phone and apologize to someone you may have done wrong to. Hug and kiss your kids. Hold your husband/wife a little bit longer tonight. Make things right, now.

Updates

Yikes! It's been a month since I last posted. Not that I have a huge following or anything but for the few that do read my blog, here is whats been going on in my oh so fascinating life.

- The snow is gone (except for the few mounds of disgusting dirt/snow). You have no idea how happy it makes me not to see the white crap on the ground anymore! Birds are chirping in the morning. The sun has been shinning a lot lately. Warms my heart!

- My debt is slowly but surely melting away. By this time next year, I hope to be a completely different place (financially). Fingers and toes crossed!

- I have fallen off the Weight Watchers wagon. The 25 lbs I had lost last year has slowly turned into only 15 lbs lost. :( Wahhhhh. My clothes are starting to fit a little tighter too (double waahhhhh)and I have only myself to blame. I know what I need to do to get back on the wagon but right now, food is my comfort. I'm hoping with Spring/Summer around the corner that I will be more motivated to get my butt out and start exercising more.

- A month ago, I blogged about faith and how I was struggling with mine. After some soul searching, meditation, and even prayer I feel like I am in a better place then I was. Granted I am still a work in progress (as we all are) I feel at peace with things and I've never felt better. I've learned the power of positive thinking. Positive thoughts turn into positive things. When you are positive, you attract positive things. Like attracts like. Dislike attracts more dislike. Simple enough, right? Its a battle but one that I'm willing to fight and work on!

-My new life motto is "La joie de vivre." Look it up. It's liberating.

-Met a boy via Match.com... We've only communicated via email and phone calls but I'm giddy and excited to see where things lead (if anywhere). He seems to be a very genuine, sincere, honest guy. Fingers crossed!

-My Dad's side of the family is going to Kansas City to watch the Twins play the Royals. We are leaving on a Friday and coming back on a Monday. We are road tripping it, and tail gating each game. It should be A LOT of fun and I can not wait to get out of town and just relax. It has become my new priority to make Joe Mauer fall in love with me. He is after all now worth 184 MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I have to do is get pregnant with at least one of his kids and then I would be set for life. :) I kid, of course, sorta.

That's it for now!