Tug of War

I had a date last night. I didn't want to go but didn't want to be rude and cancel last minute as I know what that feels like, and it's not warm and fuzzy. He was perfectly nice. A little quiet but a gentleman. We just met for drinks and shared an appetizer in which he paid. (Still getting used to this whole guys paying for things idea. I've been taking care of myself for too long and just automatically assume I pay for my half when it comes to dates). He asked if we could see each other again in which I said "Sure" but to be honest, I just don't think I am ready for a variety of different reasons.

I'm incredibly lonely but I'm realizing that this loneliness can not be filled by surrounding myself with friends, family, and potential dates. Though I want more than anything to find someone wonderful and share my life with them, it can't be rushed, and it can't be forced. Lately, even in my friendships... I've felt like it has been forced which is back firing and causing them to pull away. It's crushing. I realize that friendships change, people change. Though they may say one thing, their actions speak volumes of what it really going on, which is nothing. It's hard to digest. My fragile little heart hurts but I'm learning to let it go and trust that there is a reason I am going through this painful and icky time, again. There is a lesson I haven't learned. God isn't finished with me. I trust that He is using this loneliness to draw me closer to Him. It's an emotional tug of war but in the end, He always wins.

Meh...

I'm quickly learning how to run in heels at work. I'm convinced that this burns more calories then walking in them. Heels were the original "Shapeups."

My new boss is amazing. Even though work life is insane, she keeps me sane and truly allows me to be ME. It feels great to have such a supportive and understanding leader.

I get home from work and my brain literally turns into mush. I know I need to get out and exercise, but eating ice cream for dinner on my couch seems to be winning.

It's dark at 7:30pm. No me gusta.

I started watching SATC for the 100th time. It never gets old.

I love "Sleeping" with the windows opened at night. Cool and crisp air. Love cuddling up with my fuzzy blanket.

Still sleeping like crap.

I'm really good at reading in between the lines even though I try really hard to dismiss it.

It's funny how lies become the truth.

My intuition still has a 98% accuracy rate. I need to listen to it more.

I have a blind date tomorrow night. Not sure if I have the energy to go through this again. Dating is such a game and I suck at it. Also, not quite sure if I am "Ready" yet. My head says  "Get your a$$ out there!!!" but my heart says "Whoa... this is scary."

I bought a really nice but really expensive pair of jeans a few weeks ago. They fit perfectly. Like legit PERFECT. This isn't good for my bank account.

I re-signed my lease on my apartment. Can't believe it's been 18 months since I moved in. Also can't believe it's been a year since my Condo craziness has been over with. Life flies by in some areas but seems to drag on in other areas. Why is that?

I'm in a funk. I'm not my normal happy go lucky, hopeful, rainbows and sunshine self. People are noticing, I hate that. I would like to fast forward to the happy valley again. I know I will get there. This life stuff is tough but I'm figuring it out the best way I know how.

Please & Thank-you

I bought this little gem on Saturday. It seemed too appropriate to not have at work given the insanity I am finding myself in. Makes me giggle, and people are actually listening. It's the little things in life that keep us going. My little thing this week just happens to be a plaque, strategically placed on my desk, next to my candy dish. Happy Monday!

It's been a week

I always regret taking anytime off from work as I always seem to have to play catch up for an entire week after just taking one simple 8 hour day off, even on a Holiday weekend no less! I started my Tuesday off clocking in at work at 6:30am. The sun was barely up, and neither was I. I knew Tuesday was going to be a rough day. My counterpart Admin recently was promoted and I'm the lucky one who gets to pick up the slack. Expect more, pay less... right?

My brain has felt like it was going to explode this entire week. It's been a week of eating on the go, lucky to get 2 minutes for a bathroom break, and the only fresh air I seemed to get was the car ride home at the end of the day, expect for Tuesday in which I had an unexpected but very welcome invitation to enjoy an evening outdoors with a friend.

I'm exhausted, but can't seem to muster any good sleep except by tricking myself with some Tylenol PM. I wake up still tired, and a little shaky. After 3 days of pure craziness of work, I sent my Dad a text last night asking him if I could come sit in his hot tub and him feed me cocktails for dinner. Seemed appropriate, and he obliged. Ended up having Brinner (Breakfast for dinner) and Dreamsicles. Weird combo, but it was tasty and the hot jets felt good on my stressed filled body.

Even though I have a supportive family and friends who cheer me up in times of chaos, It's been a week when I really wish I had someone I could come home to. Someone to wrap me up in their arms, rub my neck and back, kiss my forehead and tell me its all going to be ok. It's been kind of a lonely week. Lulu kitty helps, but it's not the same kind of comfort and company I am missing these days. Instead of wishing things were different, I'm trying to learn to appreciate these alone times as moments when I am growing in my independence knowing that I can and do take care of myself quite nicely. There is something to be said about that. Something I don't give myself nearly enough credit for and should.

Purpose

I believe that everyone has a plan and purpose that is given to their life. Some people figure this out early on  while others like myself, take a bit longer to find their way, their path, their purpose. My heart longs for so much more while my head struggles with whether I will ever achieve such things. Some days I feel I am being selfish shooting for stars that seem so far out of reach. I have been blessed with a good life. Shouldn't that be enough? Am I bad person because I want more? I deserve more? I see and believe that there is more for me then this? I don't know what's next for me but I feel there is change coming. I'm ready. I'm willing. I'm open.