Oh Liam, how you make my heart pitter patter.

My International crush Liam just called. I’ve only met him once before in person. Before we met, I always had this vision of what he would look like. Tall, dark, and ruggedly handsome. He would also smell amazing. I met him and he was the exact opposite. Shorter, sandy blonde hair and kind of scrawny but a great taste in fashion. We have flirted back and forth via email and a few phone calls, but he is one of those guys you can’t quite figure out… 1. Is he straight? And 2. Is he married? Either way, he is incredibly charming and kind so much so that he makes me blush even over the phone. Oh, if only I knew the answer to those 2 questions! Isn’t it every girls fantasy to have some passionate love affair with an International squeeze? Since Prince William is engaged to Kate, it’s time I move on to a more realistic catch… that is if he isn’t already caught, or swinging for the other team.

My wish list...

-Un-necessary debt controlled, in fact diminished. I see the light, but still a ways to go.

-Snow boots, cute ones.

-A real piece of jewelry. Diamond earrings, necklace, something sparkly.

-The ability to just work one job.

-Laptop

-Spa package (Massage, Pedicure, Manicure)

-Someone to do my hair and make up everyday

-Cable.

-Zumba classes for a year!

-New work out gear!

-A warm weather vacation during January/February.

-A date… maybe with Joe Mauer (Hey… a girl can dream right?) but at this point, I’m ok with just a date in general.

-Someone to kiss on New Years.

-A new place to live (more to come on this in a future blog).

-Peace of mind.

-Love, Joy, and overall happiness for myself and those who I love and care for deeply.

Handle with care

I had my yearly exam this morning. I was a bit nervous for it as the results from last years exam weren’t so great, but the one thing I look forward to the most is talking with my Midwife/Nurse practitioner. Weird, I know, but I just love her. For whatever reason I just felt like today was going to be a break down day. I felt tears burning in my eyes as I waited for my name to be called but managed to hold them back. Normally my Dr. will come in before the actual exam and just go through what has been going on in the past year. Not just with my health but in life. I think it is amazing that she actually cares enough to ask and see where I am, emotionally. I shared with her my recent heartache and break and other stresses I’ve been dealing with. I managed to keep strong for most of the pre-exam questions but then she asked “How are you on the inside, Jess?” And I could’t hold it in anymore. I broke down. I sobbed for a good 10 minutes about anything and everything.

My yearly exam turned into a full on therapy session. It felt good to talk to someone and just word vomit what’s been on my mind and more importantly my heart. Depression is something I have dealt with in the past and I am very educated on what it means to be depressed and what it means to just be blue. Right now, my emotional state is just blue. I’ve always been the “Strong” one. The person who keeps plugging away and usually with a smile on her face. The person who puts everyone else’s needs above her own. A person who is even guilty of tolerating ill treatment/borderline emotional abuse because she wanted so desperately for things to work out. Truth is, I’m hurting. The past 8 months have been a roller coaster, and in fact, nearly half of my life has been unsettling. I feel like I live in a world where I am not allowed to grieve. Something tragic happens and I’m suppose to pick myself back up and keep moving on. I’m suppose to just get over it because I am better then that and deserve more. I am not allowed to feel down, or sad and if I do, there’s a pill for that. I self medicate by keeping myself busy with work. Not only because I financially need to work, but because work to me is a vacation from the reality of my situation. If I keep myself busy with things to occupy my time, then I wont have time to actually deal with my pain, my hurt.

When I was a little girl, I had a vision of what my life would look like. I would grow up with both parents, go to college, get a great job, fall in love, get married, have a family and live my version of happily ever after. Perhaps a part of me is dealing with the loss of my childhood dream of what my life would look like. The countless heartbreaking moments have no doubtedly made me a stronger person but I am still broken. I haven’t allowed myself to grieve and it is clearly affecting my life today and the decisions I make. Some of my readers may read this and think that I am just having a pity party, and you’re right, I am. But you know what… it’s OK to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. It’s OK to hurt, it’s OK to be angry and it’s OK to grieve. Perhaps if we actually LET ourselves feel what we need to feel then maybe true healing can begin.

Self esteem boost

Today I was sitting in a meeting with my boss and her direct reports. Normally it is just business as usual discussion, but today we decided to do something a bit different. My boss asked for us to go around the room and for a minute straight, everyone was suppose to say all of the things they like about that other person. As much as I like to know that I am appreciated, I get terribly embarrassed when put in the spotlight. My turn was first, of course, and 3 of my co-workers including my boss spent a few minutes expressing how important I am to them and what they appreciate and admire in me. It was hard not to get choked up, because I never realized how appreciated I am. Here are a few of the things they said…

Incredibly kind
Sincere
Always willing to help
You remain positive no matter the circumstance
You are the glue that holds us together
Honest
Trustworthy
Loyal
Empathetic
Approachable
Light hearted
Funny
Optimistic

Some of the words they used to describe me, I don’t feel I am or maybe I feel I should be better at, but it was nice to know that this is how I am perceived and thought of. My work is my home away from home, and it’s nice to know that my work family thinks I’m pretty great. What a wonderful feeling.

All I'm after is some Thursday laughter

The highlight of my life lately has been 30 Rock on Netflix. Jenna Maroney is by far my favorite character. Laughter is the best medicine.