So true. So very very very true.
WARNING: Jenna likes to swear, A LOT. My apologies if you are offended. I think when it comes to dieting, swearing is sometimes needed.
Happy Monday!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Love/Hate
Taking a pass from my 30 by 30 update. Not going to dive into why... just not a good week.
I have major insecurities about my physical appearance. I've always struggled with loving and accepting myself as I am. I constantly compare myself to other women. Especially the tall, thin and effortlessly beautiful ones (which is what I am surrounded by at work and in life it seems). I've always just been the "Pretty Face" girl. I can count on one hand when I remember being told I was beautiful and I felt it was sincere. This week was particularly hard for me for some reason. I found myself getting really down on myself for not being pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, good enough. It's an icky side of me that likes to creep out every now and then. I dislike it, a lot. The other night I was journaling at home and decided to make a list of things I love and hate about myself. It was therapeutic. Instead of trying to hide my flaws, I wrote them down on paper.
10 things I dislike about myself
1. I'm overweight. I've lost and gained consistently for years. I wish I could figure this out. People say losing weight is like trying to quit smoking. It's hard except the difference between quitting smoking and quiting eating is... we all need food to survive.
2. I have chubby fingers and chew my nails. Not a good combo.
3. Women say that they've earned their "Stripes" after carrying a child for 9 months. I've earned mine already and I don't have a child to claim my own. This also goes hand in hand with me being overweight. I don't like the sight of my naked body and try to be as covered up as possible, always.
4. I have cankles and thips. (Calf ankles, and thigh/hips)
5. Though some women would be envious of the size of my chest, I wish I could get rid of it. My neck and back are in constant discomfort. I will often need to buy the next size up for shirts just because my chest is too big. Past boyfriends will admit it was the first thing they notice about me. This makes me sad as I wish they would notice other things. I don't consider the size of my chest blessing by any means.
6. I have short legs. Though they are strong, they still jiggle. I hate that. I can't wear shorts (choose not too) because I dislike my legs that much.
7. I have back fat. Icky.
8. I have dark eye brows. People constantly ask me if my natural hair color is brown because my eye brows are so dark. This annoys me.
9. I have short eye lashes. I know this may seem weird, but I wish I had longer lashes.
10. I don't like my chubby round face.
10 things I like about myself
1. I like my smile. Been told it is genuine, sincere, and warm. I like to think I'm pretty photogenic.
2. I have a good nose. Not too big, not too small.
3. I like my toes. They are usually always painted.
4. I have good skin (on my face). It's rare that I have a breakout.
5. I have pretty blonde hair.
6. I like my blue eyes. They tend to change the color of blue depending on what I am wearing.
7. I have good lips. They are perfect shade of pink and can usually get away with just wearing lip gloss. Never been a lipstick girl.
8. I like that I don't need to wear a lot of make up. Typically I wear a bronzer (on my face and even as eye shadow), mascara, and lip gloss and call it a day.
9. I have straight teeth thanks to 18 months of braces in 8th grade.
10. I can master the perfect tan in the summer. I truly pride myself on this.
I have major insecurities about my physical appearance. I've always struggled with loving and accepting myself as I am. I constantly compare myself to other women. Especially the tall, thin and effortlessly beautiful ones (which is what I am surrounded by at work and in life it seems). I've always just been the "Pretty Face" girl. I can count on one hand when I remember being told I was beautiful and I felt it was sincere. This week was particularly hard for me for some reason. I found myself getting really down on myself for not being pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, good enough. It's an icky side of me that likes to creep out every now and then. I dislike it, a lot. The other night I was journaling at home and decided to make a list of things I love and hate about myself. It was therapeutic. Instead of trying to hide my flaws, I wrote them down on paper.
10 things I dislike about myself
1. I'm overweight. I've lost and gained consistently for years. I wish I could figure this out. People say losing weight is like trying to quit smoking. It's hard except the difference between quitting smoking and quiting eating is... we all need food to survive.
2. I have chubby fingers and chew my nails. Not a good combo.
3. Women say that they've earned their "Stripes" after carrying a child for 9 months. I've earned mine already and I don't have a child to claim my own. This also goes hand in hand with me being overweight. I don't like the sight of my naked body and try to be as covered up as possible, always.
4. I have cankles and thips. (Calf ankles, and thigh/hips)
5. Though some women would be envious of the size of my chest, I wish I could get rid of it. My neck and back are in constant discomfort. I will often need to buy the next size up for shirts just because my chest is too big. Past boyfriends will admit it was the first thing they notice about me. This makes me sad as I wish they would notice other things. I don't consider the size of my chest blessing by any means.
6. I have short legs. Though they are strong, they still jiggle. I hate that. I can't wear shorts (choose not too) because I dislike my legs that much.
7. I have back fat. Icky.
8. I have dark eye brows. People constantly ask me if my natural hair color is brown because my eye brows are so dark. This annoys me.
9. I have short eye lashes. I know this may seem weird, but I wish I had longer lashes.
10. I don't like my chubby round face.
10 things I like about myself
1. I like my smile. Been told it is genuine, sincere, and warm. I like to think I'm pretty photogenic.
2. I have a good nose. Not too big, not too small.
3. I like my toes. They are usually always painted.
4. I have good skin (on my face). It's rare that I have a breakout.
5. I have pretty blonde hair.
6. I like my blue eyes. They tend to change the color of blue depending on what I am wearing.
7. I have good lips. They are perfect shade of pink and can usually get away with just wearing lip gloss. Never been a lipstick girl.
8. I like that I don't need to wear a lot of make up. Typically I wear a bronzer (on my face and even as eye shadow), mascara, and lip gloss and call it a day.
9. I have straight teeth thanks to 18 months of braces in 8th grade.
10. I can master the perfect tan in the summer. I truly pride myself on this.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Good Fortune
I had a fortune cookie for breakfast... not super healthy but inside my cookie was a message of hope I needed to hear today. Feeling a bit insecure and anxious about where I'm at in life. Somedays I am running the race at a steady pace and other days (like today) I feel so far behind. Taking time to feel what I need to feel. God has a plan and it is so much bigger and better than anything I ever could imagine. Holding onto that truth today.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Business as usual
Sorry bloggie friends for the lack of posts. Things have been busy so I will recap what's been going on in my oh so fascinating world, now.
My boss announced his retirement on Monday. I knew it was eventually coming, but I was shocked and actually a little sad when it became official. We've finally melted the ice and now he's leaving. Change is scary. The fear of the unknown always leaves me a bit anxious and unsettled. Rumors have been circling on who will replace him. Some are good while others are bad. I try to steer clear of work gossip. Pretty sure I graduated High School 12 years ago.
Today is Admin Appreciation Day. I feel appreciated which is always a good feeling. If you have an Admin in your life, make sure you tell him/her the same.
I think I have found a Church home which makes me OH so happy. It is called The Exchange. They meet on Sunday nights. Mostly young adults. Awesome worship, and wonderful messages. I was particularly moved by last Sunday's message "New Heaven/New Earth." If you have the time, I would listen to Pastor Aaron's message. Touched my heart and really put things in perspective for me.
I have decided to have a 30th Birthday party!! Yes, I'm going to be 30, but that doesn't mean I can't still have a party!?! I'm having a wine & cheese party... fancy right?! My Dad graciously offered his backyard again so hoping for good weather so I can eat, drink and be 30 & Fabulous with family and friends!
E is good. We are still in the friend zone which is perfectly fine with me. His Birthday is this coming Saturday so I took him to a Twins Game last night as we both LOVE baseball. Though the Twins were demolished by the Red Sox, we had a great time together. A part of me was secretly hoping we'd end up on the Kiss Cam. What an awkward way to have a first kiss!! BUT, I settled for a "Thank you for a wonderful night, honey" followed by not one but two BIG hugs. (Butterflies). He's a good guy and even if nothing romantic comes from our friendship, at least I have gained a wonderful friendship.
My boss announced his retirement on Monday. I knew it was eventually coming, but I was shocked and actually a little sad when it became official. We've finally melted the ice and now he's leaving. Change is scary. The fear of the unknown always leaves me a bit anxious and unsettled. Rumors have been circling on who will replace him. Some are good while others are bad. I try to steer clear of work gossip. Pretty sure I graduated High School 12 years ago.
Today is Admin Appreciation Day. I feel appreciated which is always a good feeling. If you have an Admin in your life, make sure you tell him/her the same.
I think I have found a Church home which makes me OH so happy. It is called The Exchange. They meet on Sunday nights. Mostly young adults. Awesome worship, and wonderful messages. I was particularly moved by last Sunday's message "New Heaven/New Earth." If you have the time, I would listen to Pastor Aaron's message. Touched my heart and really put things in perspective for me.
I have decided to have a 30th Birthday party!! Yes, I'm going to be 30, but that doesn't mean I can't still have a party!?! I'm having a wine & cheese party... fancy right?! My Dad graciously offered his backyard again so hoping for good weather so I can eat, drink and be 30 & Fabulous with family and friends!
E is good. We are still in the friend zone which is perfectly fine with me. His Birthday is this coming Saturday so I took him to a Twins Game last night as we both LOVE baseball. Though the Twins were demolished by the Red Sox, we had a great time together. A part of me was secretly hoping we'd end up on the Kiss Cam. What an awkward way to have a first kiss!! BUT, I settled for a "Thank you for a wonderful night, honey" followed by not one but two BIG hugs. (Butterflies). He's a good guy and even if nothing romantic comes from our friendship, at least I have gained a wonderful friendship.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Free
I met Ryan just over 7 years ago. I was 22 and he was 24. We were both broken and bruised from our past relationships and it is safe to say that we were each others rebounds at the time. From that rebound, formed a friendship and from that friendship I developed strong feelings for him while he still remained neutral. He would always say "I just don't feel the spark with you, Jess." That statement still confuses me to this day. I dismissed his constant rejections in wanting to take our relationship to the next level. I was convinced if I waited another day, week, month, year... he would change his mind about me, about us.
I tried to be perfect for him. I would go above and beyond, constantly. There would be moments when I thought "Oh, he's changing his mind, I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes." But... nothing. Ryan had a way of pacifying me with little glimmers of hope. Though he never wanted me to be his girlfriend, he did want me around to be his feel good friend. He was a manipulator. I ate his words up like they were candy. He also had a way of making me feel special, wanted, needed.
Out of all of the relationships I have had in the past 10 years, Ryan is the one who truly broke me. Though we were complete dysfunction right from the start, behind the icky layers, I believe we truly did have something real which is probably why I stuck around as long as I did. Ryan and I have had countless goodbyes only to be followed by new hello's and then followed by more goodbyes. I had shed a millions tears over him and my heart has been broken too many times to count. You may ask why do I torture myself? I ask myself that question often too. Ryan has always been a person in my life that I can't seem to dismiss. I truly loved him and cared about him. He brought out the worst in me but also brought out the best.
For the past year or so, we've kept in contact with one another. Mostly via text message. He has moved on, has a girlfriend who has 2 children who also live with them. Insta-family. Not gonna lie, this stings, a lot. She apparently gives him something I never could, even though I gave him everything. Anyway... I hadn't heard from him in a good month or so until this past Saturday. May I also point out that I believe ALL of my ex boyfriends have a radar and know exactly when I am happy and find a way to come in and just f it up. Ugh. But yes, he contacted me again. Conversation was innocent at first but then, true to his form, it took a turn for the worse. He is toxic and has a way of sucking me into his vortex. Over the past 2 years, I have learned to keep him at bay, put him in his place when I need to but never have reached my boiling point and said "Please leave me alone!"
I started to realize that on the days/weeks when Ryan and I were in communication with one another, I felt like crap. I didn't like myself. I was ultra emotional. I also would isolate myself from family and friends. My heart was very bitter and broken. On the flip side, on the days/weeks when we weren't in communication with one another, I was happy, care free, excited about life and it's possibilities. I knew the problem, I knew the solution but yet I still couldn't muster up the courage to tell him "Stop!Leave me alone,"
I had a pretty uneventful night last night. Went for a walk, checked in on a pet sitting client, and watched some of the Twins game with E. While watching the game, I got a text from Ryan that said "What's up Babe" and I instantly became flooded with anger. That anger was the fuel that I have been desperately seeking for the last 7 years. I simply responded with "I can no longer talk to you Ryan. This ship has sailed. Please leave me alone and allow me to be happy." The second I hit send, I felt like a 190 lb weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe. I felt my heart become warm in my chest. I felt free.
I will never wish any ill upon Ryan. I did love and care for him and a part of me always will. I just reached my limit with him. He was only bringing me down and I was born to be going a different direction. 7 years is what it took, but it was time. Long overdue, but I feel anew.
I tried to be perfect for him. I would go above and beyond, constantly. There would be moments when I thought "Oh, he's changing his mind, I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes." But... nothing. Ryan had a way of pacifying me with little glimmers of hope. Though he never wanted me to be his girlfriend, he did want me around to be his feel good friend. He was a manipulator. I ate his words up like they were candy. He also had a way of making me feel special, wanted, needed.
Out of all of the relationships I have had in the past 10 years, Ryan is the one who truly broke me. Though we were complete dysfunction right from the start, behind the icky layers, I believe we truly did have something real which is probably why I stuck around as long as I did. Ryan and I have had countless goodbyes only to be followed by new hello's and then followed by more goodbyes. I had shed a millions tears over him and my heart has been broken too many times to count. You may ask why do I torture myself? I ask myself that question often too. Ryan has always been a person in my life that I can't seem to dismiss. I truly loved him and cared about him. He brought out the worst in me but also brought out the best.
For the past year or so, we've kept in contact with one another. Mostly via text message. He has moved on, has a girlfriend who has 2 children who also live with them. Insta-family. Not gonna lie, this stings, a lot. She apparently gives him something I never could, even though I gave him everything. Anyway... I hadn't heard from him in a good month or so until this past Saturday. May I also point out that I believe ALL of my ex boyfriends have a radar and know exactly when I am happy and find a way to come in and just f it up. Ugh. But yes, he contacted me again. Conversation was innocent at first but then, true to his form, it took a turn for the worse. He is toxic and has a way of sucking me into his vortex. Over the past 2 years, I have learned to keep him at bay, put him in his place when I need to but never have reached my boiling point and said "Please leave me alone!"
I started to realize that on the days/weeks when Ryan and I were in communication with one another, I felt like crap. I didn't like myself. I was ultra emotional. I also would isolate myself from family and friends. My heart was very bitter and broken. On the flip side, on the days/weeks when we weren't in communication with one another, I was happy, care free, excited about life and it's possibilities. I knew the problem, I knew the solution but yet I still couldn't muster up the courage to tell him "Stop!Leave me alone,"
I had a pretty uneventful night last night. Went for a walk, checked in on a pet sitting client, and watched some of the Twins game with E. While watching the game, I got a text from Ryan that said "What's up Babe" and I instantly became flooded with anger. That anger was the fuel that I have been desperately seeking for the last 7 years. I simply responded with "I can no longer talk to you Ryan. This ship has sailed. Please leave me alone and allow me to be happy." The second I hit send, I felt like a 190 lb weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe. I felt my heart become warm in my chest. I felt free.
I will never wish any ill upon Ryan. I did love and care for him and a part of me always will. I just reached my limit with him. He was only bringing me down and I was born to be going a different direction. 7 years is what it took, but it was time. Long overdue, but I feel anew.
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