Hop, skip, and a jump

Things are falling apart. If I wanted to be completely honest with myself, it's been a long time coming. I just kept pushing the reality of things aside in hopes that it was a just a dream. I kept saying "It's ok, I understand, I'll be patient and understanding and keep settling for less than I deserve because I'm selfless and have hope that if I am patient enough, It will all work out." I look like an idiot and more important... I look pathetic. My heart may be too big for it's own good but sticking around and waiting this shitstorm out in hopes that MAYBE things will work out is pathetic. I tolerate ill treatment because I don't think I deserve anything better as it is all I've ever been use too. Every time, every single freaking time I hear the same excuse "I can't give you what you need." "It's not you, it's me." 10 years of dating and it's always the same lines. Always the same excuses. Always the same broken heart.

We haven't officially ended things as I'm a lady and I don't break up via text or over the phone, but I know deep inside we are a hop, skip and a jump away from pulling the plug. He said he needs to "Evaluate" things which is code for I'm delaying the inevitable. I can't be mad at him though. His plate is full and clearly he wasn't ready for a relationship. But I can be hurt which is exactly how I feel. He knew very well what he was getting into and more importantly, what he was bringing me into. I made the decision to stick it out and quite honestly, I lasted a lot longer than most people would've tolerated.

I've leaned on several friends for comfort and support and they all say the same thing "You are better than this shit.... you are worth so much more... he doesn't realize what he is letting go." Why is it so hard for me to listen to their words when everything in my heart and mind is screaming "Why is this happening AGAIN!!???!!" I'm so fed up. I'm so sick of being hurt. I'm so sick of being disposable. I'm so sick of this routine. I guess I take comfort in knowing that despite all of the heart break and tears, my heart still beats. My heart still feels and I will at some point muster up enough courage to try again. You would think that I would be a pro at getting over a broken heart by now, but the truth is, it doesn't get any easier.

Like any good hopeless romantic going through a difficult time in a relationship, they watch The Notebook because 1. It is the perfect love story and 2. we all secretly hope our lives and love stories were like that and 3. we like to torture ourselves. What can I say, I'm an emotional cutter. I balled like a baby during this scene as that is exactly how I feel, right now.