The start of this week was rough. I was still feeling down, sad, zombie like. I was trying so hard to smile on the outside but the inside was breaking down and it was hard to keep it together a majority of the time. I had my first session on Monday afternoon with a new counselor. I always get a little nervous meeting a “Therapist” as I have had some bad experiences in the past. This experience was different. I walked in and the lights were dim. There were treats, coffee, water and a sea of smutty magazines on the coffee table. Call me crazy, but seeing the smutty magazines on the coffee table was a sign that I was right where I needed to be. I instantly felt relaxed. Overall, the first session went well or as well as any first session could go. I really appreciated the fact that she said right from the beginning “This is YOUR story, YOUR feelings, YOUR hurt, YOUR pain. I am not here to change YOU, only you can change you. I am here to help you process your story, your feelings, your hurt, and your pain.” More to come on this front.
On Sunday night I decided it was time to unplug for a bit from Facebook. I was finding myself being on it too much, and not to mention that there are several “Friends” that were just irritating the crap out of me. I was getting frustrated with these people with the things they would post, status updates etc… and then I would be getting frustrated with myself for allowing their actions affect my attitude. It was time for a break, detoxify from social media for awhile and just focus on me, my life, and getting to my “Happy Place” again. I did also end up watching The Social Network on Friday night and the whole beginning of Facebook left a sour taste in my mouth. Mark Zuckerberg was/is an Ahole and I don’t know if I want to be supporting his shaddy cause. If you don’t know what I am talking about, watch the movie.
I’m quickly learning that if you expect nothing, you will never be disappointed. My realtor emailed me this morning informing me that my NEW buyer is withdrawing their offer due to “Financing” reasons. I’m calling their bluff. Usually when you are looking at homes and put in an offer, you already have the pre-approval letter. I think they found a better place and just decided to withdraw. Nothing really surprises me anymore. Nothing shocks me. Maybe I’m just becoming stronger in dealing with this whole mess? Foreclosure is looking more and more like my only option. I received 2 Pre-Foreclosure notices a few weeks back, and unless I find a buyer ASAP, I may have no other option. It sucks. It hurts. I am so unbelievably angry at my bank for dragging their feet for 6 plus months but what can I do? I am a good person, trying to better myself and my life and I am stuck in a shitty situation. All I can do now is wait and pray for a miracle.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Losing Steam
When most people return from vacation, they feel relaxed, rejuvenated, ready to tackle the world again. I returned from vacation and feel the exact opposite. The disappointing news with my Bank and finding out that I lost my buyer really zapped the life out of me. Last week I walked around like a Zombie. I was physically present but mentally and emotionally I was completely shut down and gone. My Condo was placed on the market again and fortunately I was able to find another buyer who put in an offer, but this whole process is FAR from over and I’m afraid I am reaching my limit.
I’ve been “Strong” for the past 6 months. I have held my head up high and continued to push forward. I’ve shed thousands of tears and spent many a nights up late worrying about my worries. I haven’t given up, but this past week has really kicked my ass and I feel incredibly weak. I find myself to be extremely tired. I have been going to bed WAY early and sleeping 10 plus hours a night only to wake up the next morning and still feel exhausted. I went to Zumba on Saturday morning thinking it would kick me out of my funk, but I didn’t enjoy the class. I didn’t have fun. I didn’t smile. I feel like I have a permanent frown on my face and I hate feeling this way. When I do try to smile, it’s forced and that’s not who I am.
To say the past year or two have been rough would be putting it lightly. Losing a “Love” is like a death of a relationship and I especially am feeling the burn of this since he was always the one I went to for support, for comfort, for hugs, for a laugh in an un-laughable situation. I also went through a very emotionally abusive relationship. Granted I learned huge lessons, I am more angry and upset with myself then I am with him as looking back, he is mentally not well. And now dealing with the stress of short selling my home. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t think it would suck the life right out of me. My heart is broken. It’s still beating but it’s broken and I don’t know how to put the pieces together.
A friend of mine has been suggesting I go and talk to someone about my stresses. I am not afraid to ask for help. I have gone to see people in the past, but it never really went anywhere. They would basically sit there as I cried my eyes out and once the hour mark hit, they would usher me out and get there $100 payment. I never felt like I had a good counselor who actually CARED about me and my situation. I’ve been really relying on my friends, family but mostly myself to cope and deal with this whole mess. Yes, I have support around me but I don’t feel like I can truly open up and lean on them to help me through this storm. This past weekend I went out to lunch with my Mom and got emotional and her response to me was “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, pull yourself together and deal with it.” I love my Mom but she has always been this way. She has never allowed me to be sad. To grieve. To be upset. I was always suppose to pick myself back up and keep fighting. I see her point, but there are times when someone just needs to be sad and they just need to cry. A lot of my friends really don’t know what to say so I pretty much keep things to myself. There are nights when I will sit on my couch willing my phone to ring hoping that someone would just call to talk to me, but I have too much pride to ever reach out myself. Most of my friends are married with young ones and have their own stresses to deal with. Plus, no offence, it’s really hard to have a conversation with someone who has a crying child in the background. My friendships mean everything to me but unfortunately most of my friends are in totally different places then I am at right now and it’s hard for them to relate to me or understand what I am going through, alone.
On Saturday, I decided to go up and visit my Grandma. She always has a way of cheering me up. Most times when I go up to visit, we will go out and run errands, grab lunch, hit up some nurseries but this visit we just talked. Grandma knew the minute I walked through the door that my heart was heavy and even said “Your eyes look sad.” I spent about an hour just crying. She just sat there, listened and cried with me. That’s all I wanted. That’s all I needed. I love her so much, it hurts.
I have so much emotion building up inside of me that there is no where for it to go but out my eyeballs. I’ve reached a point where my tears have tears and just when I think I have cried them all out, there are still more sneaking there way out. Am I depressed? Not sure. I do know I am very much overwhelmed with life right now and I am having a hard time coping and dealing with the stress. I realized on Saturday that I have lost my happiness, and in fact I don’t even know what happiness looks like anymore, and honestly, not sure if I have ever really known. It’s a horrible feeling. On the surface I put on a front that everything is fine but deep inside, I’m slowly dying and I’m desperate to find ME.
My first session is today with a new counselor. I’m hoping she will actually listen and care and offer advice and the resources I need to get better or at least help me cope. Life isn’t easy, but it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve had a lot thrown at me the past few years and I’m doing it all alone. To some, that is something to be admired, but to me it’s incredibly lonely and I’m losing steam. For those of you who read this blog and have been keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, thank you. I have felt them and on some level, I think it is what keeps me going. I’m a fighter and I will keep fighting until I am on the other side of this mess. I keep waking up in the morning and my heart keeps beating. God has a plan and purpose for my life. I know I shouldn't wish my life away, but in this case I think I'm justified in wanting to speed things up. I want so badly to be on the "Other Side" of this.
I’ve been “Strong” for the past 6 months. I have held my head up high and continued to push forward. I’ve shed thousands of tears and spent many a nights up late worrying about my worries. I haven’t given up, but this past week has really kicked my ass and I feel incredibly weak. I find myself to be extremely tired. I have been going to bed WAY early and sleeping 10 plus hours a night only to wake up the next morning and still feel exhausted. I went to Zumba on Saturday morning thinking it would kick me out of my funk, but I didn’t enjoy the class. I didn’t have fun. I didn’t smile. I feel like I have a permanent frown on my face and I hate feeling this way. When I do try to smile, it’s forced and that’s not who I am.
To say the past year or two have been rough would be putting it lightly. Losing a “Love” is like a death of a relationship and I especially am feeling the burn of this since he was always the one I went to for support, for comfort, for hugs, for a laugh in an un-laughable situation. I also went through a very emotionally abusive relationship. Granted I learned huge lessons, I am more angry and upset with myself then I am with him as looking back, he is mentally not well. And now dealing with the stress of short selling my home. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t think it would suck the life right out of me. My heart is broken. It’s still beating but it’s broken and I don’t know how to put the pieces together.
A friend of mine has been suggesting I go and talk to someone about my stresses. I am not afraid to ask for help. I have gone to see people in the past, but it never really went anywhere. They would basically sit there as I cried my eyes out and once the hour mark hit, they would usher me out and get there $100 payment. I never felt like I had a good counselor who actually CARED about me and my situation. I’ve been really relying on my friends, family but mostly myself to cope and deal with this whole mess. Yes, I have support around me but I don’t feel like I can truly open up and lean on them to help me through this storm. This past weekend I went out to lunch with my Mom and got emotional and her response to me was “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, pull yourself together and deal with it.” I love my Mom but she has always been this way. She has never allowed me to be sad. To grieve. To be upset. I was always suppose to pick myself back up and keep fighting. I see her point, but there are times when someone just needs to be sad and they just need to cry. A lot of my friends really don’t know what to say so I pretty much keep things to myself. There are nights when I will sit on my couch willing my phone to ring hoping that someone would just call to talk to me, but I have too much pride to ever reach out myself. Most of my friends are married with young ones and have their own stresses to deal with. Plus, no offence, it’s really hard to have a conversation with someone who has a crying child in the background. My friendships mean everything to me but unfortunately most of my friends are in totally different places then I am at right now and it’s hard for them to relate to me or understand what I am going through, alone.
On Saturday, I decided to go up and visit my Grandma. She always has a way of cheering me up. Most times when I go up to visit, we will go out and run errands, grab lunch, hit up some nurseries but this visit we just talked. Grandma knew the minute I walked through the door that my heart was heavy and even said “Your eyes look sad.” I spent about an hour just crying. She just sat there, listened and cried with me. That’s all I wanted. That’s all I needed. I love her so much, it hurts.
I have so much emotion building up inside of me that there is no where for it to go but out my eyeballs. I’ve reached a point where my tears have tears and just when I think I have cried them all out, there are still more sneaking there way out. Am I depressed? Not sure. I do know I am very much overwhelmed with life right now and I am having a hard time coping and dealing with the stress. I realized on Saturday that I have lost my happiness, and in fact I don’t even know what happiness looks like anymore, and honestly, not sure if I have ever really known. It’s a horrible feeling. On the surface I put on a front that everything is fine but deep inside, I’m slowly dying and I’m desperate to find ME.
My first session is today with a new counselor. I’m hoping she will actually listen and care and offer advice and the resources I need to get better or at least help me cope. Life isn’t easy, but it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve had a lot thrown at me the past few years and I’m doing it all alone. To some, that is something to be admired, but to me it’s incredibly lonely and I’m losing steam. For those of you who read this blog and have been keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, thank you. I have felt them and on some level, I think it is what keeps me going. I’m a fighter and I will keep fighting until I am on the other side of this mess. I keep waking up in the morning and my heart keeps beating. God has a plan and purpose for my life. I know I shouldn't wish my life away, but in this case I think I'm justified in wanting to speed things up. I want so badly to be on the "Other Side" of this.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Just Because
I’m going to try my best to write this without totally breaking out into tears. For the record, they are happy and hopeful tears.
I had lunch today with a friend. We decided to go to Chipotle and Chipotle at lunch time = LONGEST LINE, EVER!! I was filling my friend in on what has been going on with my house. I was venting to her my fears and frustration and just all around fear of the unknown. As I neared the end of the line and was ready to pay, the guy said “The lady in front of you said to pay for your lunch.” I just stared at him and said “What?” I immediately got warm inside. I was shocked. How could a perfect stranger do such a thing? Maybe I’m just jaded and bitter with everything that has happened over the past year to believe that a perfect stranger could be so kind and thoughtful. I was able to catch up with her at the soda line and tapped on her shoulder and said “That was so nice of you. You didn’t have to do that, thank you.” She just looked at me and gave me a hug and said “You are welcome.” I teared up (tears are dripping down my cheek as I type this) and couldn’t believe it. Something so simple as buying me a lunch could have such an impact on my heart.
Lately I’ve been praying that God give me peace in my heart. That God help me trust that He is in control. That He place people in my life that will keep me going, give me hope. He answered my prayers today. Before lunch I got an email of a new blog flowerer commenting on my blog. Her words warmed my heart and actually made me smile when I read them and then He sent a perfect stranger to buy me lunch, just because. Thank you, strangers. I will never forget this day. I am so blessed. I feel the prayers, I feel the love. I feel the hope. This will ALL be behind me soon. I am right where I need to be. I am feeling exactly what I am suppose to feel. The people in my life (and strangers who pop in now and then) are precisely planted accordingly. God is good. All the time.
I had lunch today with a friend. We decided to go to Chipotle and Chipotle at lunch time = LONGEST LINE, EVER!! I was filling my friend in on what has been going on with my house. I was venting to her my fears and frustration and just all around fear of the unknown. As I neared the end of the line and was ready to pay, the guy said “The lady in front of you said to pay for your lunch.” I just stared at him and said “What?” I immediately got warm inside. I was shocked. How could a perfect stranger do such a thing? Maybe I’m just jaded and bitter with everything that has happened over the past year to believe that a perfect stranger could be so kind and thoughtful. I was able to catch up with her at the soda line and tapped on her shoulder and said “That was so nice of you. You didn’t have to do that, thank you.” She just looked at me and gave me a hug and said “You are welcome.” I teared up (tears are dripping down my cheek as I type this) and couldn’t believe it. Something so simple as buying me a lunch could have such an impact on my heart.
Lately I’ve been praying that God give me peace in my heart. That God help me trust that He is in control. That He place people in my life that will keep me going, give me hope. He answered my prayers today. Before lunch I got an email of a new blog flowerer commenting on my blog. Her words warmed my heart and actually made me smile when I read them and then He sent a perfect stranger to buy me lunch, just because. Thank you, strangers. I will never forget this day. I am so blessed. I feel the prayers, I feel the love. I feel the hope. This will ALL be behind me soon. I am right where I need to be. I am feeling exactly what I am suppose to feel. The people in my life (and strangers who pop in now and then) are precisely planted accordingly. God is good. All the time.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Miami Through Pictures
Miami is a very old town. The buildings are very art deco and have a vintage and look and feel to it. I feel in love with this Pink building. In pretty good shape compared to a lot of the other places I saw. Plus, it's PINK! 
Are you guilty of watching the Kardashian's on E!? I am!! I had to check out their store "DASH" down in Miami. All I have to say is... Ehh. The store itself was about as big as my living room. The cheapest thing there was a $60 T-shirt that said "Dash" on it. Oh, and I suppose the $25 bottle of water. Lame. But I was there. No celebrity sighting to report.
Remember Baywatch?! When I saw this lifeguard stand, that is the first thing I thought about. Apparently lifeguards down there spend 98% of their time inside this little hut. I only saw them come out maybe once or twice during the 3 days we spent at the beach.
If you ever travel to Miami and stay in South Beach, you must check out Mango's. The place is totally tacky and totally obnoxious but TOTALLY FUN!!! Live music, dancers and over priced but extremely yummy drinks! This was a Cherry Lime Mojito. Dangerously good.
I could literally sit here for days. To me, this is perfection.
I broke down one day and decided to take advantage of buying a drink at the beach. The Hotel we stayed at offered FREE chairs which included "Beach Butlers" who basically would walk around to see if you needed anything. I decided to buy a 2 drinks... I got the bill... $25. Gulp.
This was the view of my office everyday. It was a tough job, but I managed it well.
Good-bye, Miami! Thank you the gorgeous weather! This is a view of South Beach from the plane. I think I did a pretty good job capturing the whole City of Miami Beach, South Beach dontcha think?! Sigh... wish I was there right now.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Miami/Birthday recap
Sigh… I’m back from vacation. People have asked if I had fun. To be completely honest, I did have fun, but I had a lot weighing on my mind and heart. Right before I left, I got a call from my Realtor saying that the Bank was going to approve the short sale of my Condo but that I needed to come to closing with $3,100 cash. I don’t have that kind of money. I live check to check and my only “Saving’s” is my 401k. I freaked out for a bit. Even contemplated not going on my trip but figured that I deserved some time away and went and tried my best to enjoy myself.
Miami was beautiful. Gorgeous weather. 80’s and sunny with a slight breeze everyday. Perfection. I soaked in the sun all day and went out to dinner each night. I should feel relaxed and rejuvenated, but I think perhaps I am even more tense and stressed then before I left. While laying out on the beach, I was in contact with my Realtor who was in contact with my Bank. The bank got back in touch with her and said that he didn’t do his full research on my file and now realizes that my situation does not qualify as distressed. So let me get this straight… My property has lost 80+% of its value, I was paying $340 a month in Association dues that don’t really pay for anything, and I was living in a unsafe environment that has crime happening EVERYDAY?? That doesn’t qualify as distressed? I have a few choice words for my Bank. The case worker who was assigned my case said that if the short sale is approved, I need to come to closing with more then the original asking price of $3100, otherwise they would be coming after me for the difference on my loan. F. I felt sick. I felt like someone ripped a hole in my stomach and tore out my insides. The bank doesn’t give 2 shits about me or my situation. They only care about getting paid.
Despite the frustrating and scary news, I tried my best to push it aside and just focus on having fun and enjoying my time down in South Beach. I’m pretty sure I consumed 50,000 calories of food and drinks and they were worth every bite and sip. Harsh reality of how much everything costs down there. Drinks were on average $14. Gulp. They were mostly alcohol though and should be for that price. It helped me numb the reality of what was pressing on my mind at the time.
Friday was my Birthday. I am officially 29. I didn’t sleep the best down in Miami and was usually up rather early. The morning of my Birthday, I was up at 7:30am. I decided to go sit up on the pool deck and soak up some more sun. It was already 78 and sunny and the sun was already intense. I sat out there for about 2 hours. Taking in the view and also thinking about what I was going to do about my situation. Had a little heart to heart with God and finally said goodbye to South Beach. When I got back to Minneapolis, it was nearly 90 and humid. It was hotter in Minneapolis than Miami which was a surprise. Went out to dinner with my family and met up with an old friend later that night. It was a good night, and gorgeous night weather wise too.
Saturday I spent the day shopping with my Aunt, Grandma and Mom and then went to Psycho Suzi’s with 2 of my girlfriends. It was really low key and nice just to sit, eat, and chat. I have some pretty great friends and for that, I am thankful.
Sunday was one more Birthday celebration with my Dad. Breakfast at my favorite spot. Spent the day unpacking, doing laundry and managed to get to the beach (lake) to soak up some more rays. MN sun is WAY different then Miami sun. I think I prefer Miami sun.
Sunday night as I was getting ready for bed, I got a phone call from my Realtor. (I should also point out that my Realtor is also a really good friend. I’m so thankful she has been with me and helped me throughout this whole process. I trust her and I would be absolutely lost if I didn’t have her help.) I feel bad because now every time I see her name pop up on my phone, my heart stops briefly because I am nervous with what news she has to share. Last nights news was unfortunately bad, too. My buyer pulled his offer on my Condo. He found another place to buy. I don’t really blame him but I can’t help but be incredibly angry. Not at him, but the bank. They dragged their feet for 6 months. I have jumped through so many hoops for them and now my buyer is gone. I wanted to scream last night but instead, after I hung up the phone, I just cried. I don’t know how much more I can handle of this. The fear of the unknown is paralyzing. I feel so alone. I just want someone to hug me, to listen to me, to let me cry. I keep holding it in though. I don’t want to bother my friends and family with “My issues” because this was my choice to do all of this. I’m afraid that one of these days I am going to reach my boiling point and just break down completely. Until that day comes, or if it comes, all I can really do is keep plugging away. I keep hoping, praying that God and the Bank will show some mercy. God never gives us more than we can handle, right? Lately I'm struggling with believing this truth.
Miami was beautiful. Gorgeous weather. 80’s and sunny with a slight breeze everyday. Perfection. I soaked in the sun all day and went out to dinner each night. I should feel relaxed and rejuvenated, but I think perhaps I am even more tense and stressed then before I left. While laying out on the beach, I was in contact with my Realtor who was in contact with my Bank. The bank got back in touch with her and said that he didn’t do his full research on my file and now realizes that my situation does not qualify as distressed. So let me get this straight… My property has lost 80+% of its value, I was paying $340 a month in Association dues that don’t really pay for anything, and I was living in a unsafe environment that has crime happening EVERYDAY?? That doesn’t qualify as distressed? I have a few choice words for my Bank. The case worker who was assigned my case said that if the short sale is approved, I need to come to closing with more then the original asking price of $3100, otherwise they would be coming after me for the difference on my loan. F. I felt sick. I felt like someone ripped a hole in my stomach and tore out my insides. The bank doesn’t give 2 shits about me or my situation. They only care about getting paid.
Despite the frustrating and scary news, I tried my best to push it aside and just focus on having fun and enjoying my time down in South Beach. I’m pretty sure I consumed 50,000 calories of food and drinks and they were worth every bite and sip. Harsh reality of how much everything costs down there. Drinks were on average $14. Gulp. They were mostly alcohol though and should be for that price. It helped me numb the reality of what was pressing on my mind at the time.
Friday was my Birthday. I am officially 29. I didn’t sleep the best down in Miami and was usually up rather early. The morning of my Birthday, I was up at 7:30am. I decided to go sit up on the pool deck and soak up some more sun. It was already 78 and sunny and the sun was already intense. I sat out there for about 2 hours. Taking in the view and also thinking about what I was going to do about my situation. Had a little heart to heart with God and finally said goodbye to South Beach. When I got back to Minneapolis, it was nearly 90 and humid. It was hotter in Minneapolis than Miami which was a surprise. Went out to dinner with my family and met up with an old friend later that night. It was a good night, and gorgeous night weather wise too.
Saturday I spent the day shopping with my Aunt, Grandma and Mom and then went to Psycho Suzi’s with 2 of my girlfriends. It was really low key and nice just to sit, eat, and chat. I have some pretty great friends and for that, I am thankful.
Sunday was one more Birthday celebration with my Dad. Breakfast at my favorite spot. Spent the day unpacking, doing laundry and managed to get to the beach (lake) to soak up some more rays. MN sun is WAY different then Miami sun. I think I prefer Miami sun.
Sunday night as I was getting ready for bed, I got a phone call from my Realtor. (I should also point out that my Realtor is also a really good friend. I’m so thankful she has been with me and helped me throughout this whole process. I trust her and I would be absolutely lost if I didn’t have her help.) I feel bad because now every time I see her name pop up on my phone, my heart stops briefly because I am nervous with what news she has to share. Last nights news was unfortunately bad, too. My buyer pulled his offer on my Condo. He found another place to buy. I don’t really blame him but I can’t help but be incredibly angry. Not at him, but the bank. They dragged their feet for 6 months. I have jumped through so many hoops for them and now my buyer is gone. I wanted to scream last night but instead, after I hung up the phone, I just cried. I don’t know how much more I can handle of this. The fear of the unknown is paralyzing. I feel so alone. I just want someone to hug me, to listen to me, to let me cry. I keep holding it in though. I don’t want to bother my friends and family with “My issues” because this was my choice to do all of this. I’m afraid that one of these days I am going to reach my boiling point and just break down completely. Until that day comes, or if it comes, all I can really do is keep plugging away. I keep hoping, praying that God and the Bank will show some mercy. God never gives us more than we can handle, right? Lately I'm struggling with believing this truth.
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