Losing Steam

When most people return from vacation, they feel relaxed, rejuvenated, ready to tackle the world again. I returned from vacation and feel the exact opposite. The disappointing news with my Bank and finding out that I lost my buyer really zapped the life out of me. Last week I walked around like a Zombie. I was physically present but mentally and emotionally I was completely shut down and gone. My Condo was placed on the market again and fortunately I was able to find another buyer who put in an offer, but this whole process is FAR from over and I’m afraid I am reaching my limit.

I’ve been “Strong” for the past 6 months. I have held my head up high and continued to push forward. I’ve shed thousands of tears and spent many a nights up late worrying about my worries. I haven’t given up, but this past week has really kicked my ass and I feel incredibly weak. I find myself to be extremely tired. I have been going to bed WAY early and sleeping 10 plus hours a night only to wake up the next morning and still feel exhausted. I went to Zumba on Saturday morning thinking it would kick me out of my funk, but I didn’t enjoy the class. I didn’t have fun. I didn’t smile. I feel like I have a permanent frown on my face and I hate feeling this way. When I do try to smile, it’s forced and that’s not who I am.

To say the past year or two have been rough would be putting it lightly. Losing a “Love” is like a death of a relationship and I especially am feeling the burn of this since he was always the one I went to for support, for comfort, for hugs, for a laugh in an un-laughable situation. I also went through a very emotionally abusive relationship. Granted I learned huge lessons, I am more angry and upset with myself then I am with him as looking back, he is mentally not well. And now dealing with the stress of short selling my home. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t think it would suck the life right out of me. My heart is broken. It’s still beating but it’s broken and I don’t know how to put the pieces together.

A friend of mine has been suggesting I go and talk to someone about my stresses. I am not afraid to ask for help. I have gone to see people in the past, but it never really went anywhere. They would basically sit there as I cried my eyes out and once the hour mark hit, they would usher me out and get there $100 payment. I never felt like I had a good counselor who actually CARED about me and my situation. I’ve been really relying on my friends, family but mostly myself to cope and deal with this whole mess. Yes, I have support around me but I don’t feel like I can truly open up and lean on them to help me through this storm. This past weekend I went out to lunch with my Mom and got emotional and her response to me was “Stop feeling sorry for yourself, pull yourself together and deal with it.” I love my Mom but she has always been this way. She has never allowed me to be sad. To grieve. To be upset. I was always suppose to pick myself back up and keep fighting. I see her point, but there are times when someone just needs to be sad and they just need to cry. A lot of my friends really don’t know what to say so I pretty much keep things to myself. There are nights when I will sit on my couch willing my phone to ring hoping that someone would just call to talk to me, but I have too much pride to ever reach out myself. Most of my friends are married with young ones and have their own stresses to deal with. Plus, no offence, it’s really hard to have a conversation with someone who has a crying child in the background. My friendships mean everything to me but unfortunately most of my friends are in totally different places then I am at right now and it’s hard for them to relate to me or understand what I am going through, alone.

On Saturday, I decided to go up and visit my Grandma. She always has a way of cheering me up. Most times when I go up to visit, we will go out and run errands, grab lunch, hit up some nurseries but this visit we just talked. Grandma knew the minute I walked through the door that my heart was heavy and even said “Your eyes look sad.” I spent about an hour just crying. She just sat there, listened and cried with me. That’s all I wanted. That’s all I needed. I love her so much, it hurts.

I have so much emotion building up inside of me that there is no where for it to go but out my eyeballs. I’ve reached a point where my tears have tears and just when I think I have cried them all out, there are still more sneaking there way out. Am I depressed? Not sure. I do know I am very much overwhelmed with life right now and I am having a hard time coping and dealing with the stress. I realized on Saturday that I have lost my happiness, and in fact I don’t even know what happiness looks like anymore, and honestly, not sure if I have ever really known. It’s a horrible feeling. On the surface I put on a front that everything is fine but deep inside, I’m slowly dying and I’m desperate to find ME.

My first session is today with a new counselor. I’m hoping she will actually listen and care and offer advice and the resources I need to get better or at least help me cope. Life isn’t easy, but it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve had a lot thrown at me the past few years and I’m doing it all alone. To some, that is something to be admired, but to me it’s incredibly lonely and I’m losing steam. For those of you who read this blog and have been keeping me in your thoughts and prayers, thank you. I have felt them and on some level, I think it is what keeps me going. I’m a fighter and I will keep fighting until I am on the other side of this mess. I keep waking up in the morning and my heart keeps beating. God has a plan and purpose for my life. I know I shouldn't wish my life away, but in this case I think I'm justified in wanting to speed things up. I want so badly to be on the "Other Side" of this.