30 Things

As I close the chapter of my 30th year and enter my 31st, I thought I would recap 30 things that happened the last 365 days.

1. Celebrated 30 years with my family and friends by having a wine and cheese party!
2. Ate cake... lots of cake.
3. Started to love my job again when my new boss started last July!!
4. Enjoyed a beautiful summer weekends laying out at my Dad's pool
5. Drank wine on my patio, a lot.
6. Weekend up at the Lake in Nisswa, MN.
7. Attended 2 weddings
8. Booked a trip to Hawaii
9. Realized I needed to cut the toxic out of my life, twice.
10. Lost 11 pounds
11. Met a really great guy
12. Went out to dinner, a lot since meeting this really great guy
13. Gained 8 lbs back. Meh
14. Had someone to kiss on New Years
15. Started to grow my nails out (this is a big thing as I've always been a nail bitter!)
16. Went to Hawaii for 10 days and HAD A BLAST!!!!
17. Realized I really liked Rob while I was on vacation
18. Had my very first Valentine
19. Threw a surprise party for Rob's 30th Birthday. It was hit
20. Paid off a student loan!!!
21. Traded in my Honda Fit and got a Honda CRV!!
22. Duluth getaway with my man!
23. Broke up, briefly
24. Realized we loved each other and got back together
25. Treated myself to a lot of manicures and pedicures
26. Shot a gun
27. Went fishing
28. Discovered GiGi's Cupcakes. I love cake.
29. Read 50 Shades of Grey... blushed, a lot.
30. Felt very loved and blessed.

Cheers to the last 30 years, and here's hoping my 31st is just as wonderful!

Heart

My anxious thoughts and feelings are starting to subside surrounding the little hick up Robert and I had a few weeks ago. Each day that passes, my heart grows to love him even more than the day before. His actions match his words which has been the re-assurance I've been needing to hear and feel. He holds my hand when we are in public. He greets me with a hug and kiss and manages to hold on just a little bit longer with each embrace. He sends little text messages that make me smile, laugh and realize how thankful I am that he is mine. And last night, as we were out to dinner I got the biggest re-assurance of all. We were talking about the last 6 months and how he never imagined himself being at this point with me. He openly said that he never wanted a lasting relationship with me, but somewhere along the road he fell for me and fell hard. He said: "The heart wants what it wants and I couldn't dismiss that feeling."  I love him. A love I've never felt before. It's exciting but terrifying. Even in my state of love, I feel my eyes are still wide open. Things could easily fall apart again, but as I have said before, he is so worth that risk and it appears I am too. What a wonderful feeling.

Good Hair Day

One of the things I actually like about myself is my pretty blonde hair. People pay good money to achieve my shade of blonde. I get it for free. (Thanks, Dad!) I've had bangs for the last 20ish months and decided to grow them out again. I was finally able to successfully do the side swept bang look today and people are loving it, and I am too! Yay for good hair days!







Matter vs. Mind

I've been pretty open and honest about my struggles when it comes to my weight. I've always been a "Chubby" or "Big Boned" girl. I've accepted the fact that I will never be skinny, but I have reached a point of disgust again after seeing some pictures of myself 13 years ago, and then today.



June 2000- 18 years old



May 2013- 30 years old



13 years ago, I was approximately 50 lbs lighter. I remember being 18 and thinking I was fat. I hated my arms, the shape of my face. I hated how my legs jiggled when I walked and how my stomach wasn't flat. I pretty much hated everything about my physical body. Everyday I would look in the mirror and pick apart every flaw. I remember wishing I could be like my girlfriends and wear a two piece when going to the beach but instead I walked around in my one piece with shorts and a t shirt to cover up.  Now  I look back at that picture and would give ANYTHING to be her again. She was thin and beautiful but didn't realize her beauty.

I look at my picture that was taken this past Sunday and cringe. I see a grown up version of myself. I have more self esteem and know that I have beautiful qualities, but still haven't quite accepted ME yet.

It's an icky feeling when you haven't seen family in awhile. You greet each other and they say "You look, great... Jess." But you know in the back of their mind they are thinking "Wow... she's gotten big." I experienced that this past weekend and back on Easter. They all work hard at hiding their true feelings, but I could sense the reality. Sigh.

I'm an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm stressed. I don't eat when I'm sad though... Food is a common theme in my family. Everything revolves around a meal. Birthdays, Holiday's, It's crappy weather, It's wonderful weather, It's Friday... any excuse to eat and drink we can find justify it. I love food. I love feel good food. Sometimes (all the time) I make bad decisions of what I decide to put in my body.

I think everyone has an addiction they struggle with. Mine just happens to be food. I really want to figure this out. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good about the way I look. Like everything else in my life, I wont give up. The desire is there, I just need to figure out why matter is winning over my mind.

Adjusting

Feeling a bit unsettled today. My head and my heart are still trying to adjust back to "Normal" after the system shock I endured last week. We were able to talk through some things and I felt good about the dialogue we had, but I still feel a bit insecure of where we actually are at. In any relationship, there are risks. Sometimes things will work out, but there is also the chance that things will fall apart. I tend to listen and  follow with my heart. Not because I am desperate for love and I NEED things to work out, but because I give 100% when I am in a relationship. Perhaps this is my biggest fault as a person? One of the MANY things I have learned from past relationships and experiences is it takes two people who WANT to be together and are willing to put in the time and energy to make things work. He says he's in it. Lord knows I am in it too. But I still feel afraid that tomorrow he will wake up and system shock part 2 will happen again. I think it's a legitimate fear to have.  Either way, I feel he is worth the risk. He is worth fighting for. He is worth loving.  He is worth potentially getting my heart beat up all over again because at least I can say I tried. I just hope he thinks I am worth it, too.