Approximately 6 months ago, I asked God to protect my heart and guide me as I explored the possibilities of potential relationship with a new friend. This was the first time I have asked God to do such a thing, but felt after years of countless heartaches and breaks, MY way of handling relationships wasn't working. Therefore it was worth a shot in giving HIM a chance to lead. Just because you give something over to God to handle and take care of, doesn't mean everything is going to work out the way YOU want but I take comfort in knowing that this was always His plan for me/us.
The past few weeks have been tough. I've been an emotional wreck trying to put together my thoughts and feelings for someone who I ultimately knew didn't feel the same way towards me as I did them. I struggled with do I even bother telling him these "Secrets" as there is nothing worse than telling someone you have feelings that are beyond friendship and not be reciprocated the same sorts of feelings in return. After countless sleepless nights, and suppressed appetite, and embarrassingly too many tears I sought it best that I pull the band aid off and just tell him how I feel. If roles were reversed, I would want the same.
I was trying to figure out a way to tell E I wanted to talk to him without worrying him that something was wrong. Text messaging is usually a safe bet so I casually asked him on Sunday if he wanted to go for a walk/talk. He said he was tired but that Monday night after work would be better. I was hoping to start my work week off without the distraction of this conversation but the upside is this gave me more time to gather my thoughts.
Even though I am a communicator, I don't do so well under pressure situations. I can rehearse in my head what I want to say, but when it comes to the actual moment, I freeze and forget everything. Knowing this about myself, I thought it best that I write him a letter in hopes that I would keep myself composed. I spent a good hour (Sorry Target) writing my thoughts and feelings down. I re-read, re-wrote at least a dozen times to ensure I got everything out. I had a hard time keeping it together but thankfully I work in a corner office where I'm hidden from the curious and nosy pedestrians.
After the longest 9 hours of work, ever... I finally headed home. Even though I was hungry, the thought of food made my tummy hurt so I opted for water. We both agreed to meet at 6:45. I picked him up and we headed to a nearby lake. I wanted our talk to happen in a neutral place in hopes that it would help me keep my sh** together and not totally break down. Nothing worse than an emotional girl spilling her guts with a side of the ugly cry. We found a perfect spot overlooking the lake. It was a beautiful night. I pulled out my phone in which I had emailed myself the letter and just asked him to listen. My voice was shaky but I tried my best to stay calm, clear, and concise. I managed to get through the majority of my letter until I reached the end when I was flooded with emotion and the only way out was through my eyeballs. I hate to cry, especially in front of guys. Typically they don't handle it well. I was embarrassed but E tried his best to comfort me and reminded me to breathe. I was able to get through the rest of the letter and after I was finished, He thanked me for having the courage to share with him how I felt as and gave me a hug of reassurance.
I didn't expect him to say anything as I already knew what his response would be. I've known for awhile that he didn't feel the same about me as I did him, it just took me awhile to accept this fact and also muster up the courage to have the difficult conversation about it. My biggest fear in this was I was going to lose a friend that means so much to me. I was afraid by exposing my truth and revealing my heart that it was going to scare him away. My fears were relieved when E expressed to me how much I meant to him and that he has never wanted to do anything that would mess up our friendship. Even knowing I have these feelings towards him, he doesn't want anything to change between us. And you know what?? I believe him.
Some may ask how I can remain friends with a person in whom I have tremendous feelings for. That's a fair question and the only answer I can give is now that I know where I stand with him, I can refocus on my energy in just being his friend. God has blessed with an incredible friendship and I am forever thankful for that gift. I don't expect my feelings to go away over night. It's going to take me some time to move on. Not to worry friends... I'm tough. My heart still beats and still has hope that someday I will find someone who will make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Despite everything, I feel a great sense of peace knowing that my heart is clean and free. I was true to myself and completely honest with him.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Every girl needs...
I fell asleep to the pitter patter of rain last night. It aligned perfectly with my mood. Yesterday was a tough day. I was back from "Vacation" only to feel the exact opposite of refreshed. I'm really good at beating myself up over things. My mind gets stuck on something and I begin to play the "What if" or "If only I was..." game. I always lose.
I woke up this morning determined to be in a better mood. I let myself sulk for too long and it was time to pick myself up. I woke up earlier than I normally do and actually put some thought into my outfit. I spent time blow drying and curling my hair. I actually applied my make up vs. putting some bronzer and slapping lip gloss on. I thought by TRYING to look good, I could trick myself into thinking I felt good.
I work in the Design department at work. Everyone always looks so pulled together with their creative flair, color combos, and designer labels. Then there is me. I work for Target and 90% of my closet, is Target. I'm proud of my closet, but when standing next to Miss Designer Label, I feel like major frump girl. I feel there is a reason they put me in the back corner office. Though I have a view of Downtown Minneapolis, I kind of feel like I'm on permanent time out for fashion offences. (I kid).
I work with mostly women but there are the occasional token males but most of these males fit the male/ fashion stereotype. Male+Fashion=Gay. I love these guys. They are open, honest, and good listeners and most importantly, give you compliments!! Kevin is one of my favorite guys at work. He doesn't work in my department but I see him on occasion when I need to stop by the "Bullseye Boutique" to pick up stamps etc... We usually have a brief 5 minute catch up session and he gives me boy advice. He's an expert after all. Though I thought I was hiding my emotions well, he could see straight through me.
Kevin: Hey you... where have you been? Whats new?
Me: Just living the dream.
Kevin: You can't fool me... whoever broke your heart is an idiot and will regret letting you go.
Me: How do you even know I am feeling a bit heart broken?
Kevin: It's kind of like gaydar except for love.
Me: (Laughing)
Kevin: You look beautiful today. You always look beautiful but today I can especially tell because behind your pulled together look, I see your broken smile.
Me: It sucks, Kevin. I really liked him.
Kevin: His loss honey... onto the next. You need to go out tonight. You look too damn good to not get out there again.
Me: If only it were that simple
Leave it to a gay man to fill my heart with hope and boost my confidence. Every girl needs a good gay boyfriend to pick you up when you are feeling down. I'm thankful I have my Kevin.
I woke up this morning determined to be in a better mood. I let myself sulk for too long and it was time to pick myself up. I woke up earlier than I normally do and actually put some thought into my outfit. I spent time blow drying and curling my hair. I actually applied my make up vs. putting some bronzer and slapping lip gloss on. I thought by TRYING to look good, I could trick myself into thinking I felt good.
I work in the Design department at work. Everyone always looks so pulled together with their creative flair, color combos, and designer labels. Then there is me. I work for Target and 90% of my closet, is Target. I'm proud of my closet, but when standing next to Miss Designer Label, I feel like major frump girl. I feel there is a reason they put me in the back corner office. Though I have a view of Downtown Minneapolis, I kind of feel like I'm on permanent time out for fashion offences. (I kid).
I work with mostly women but there are the occasional token males but most of these males fit the male/ fashion stereotype. Male+Fashion=Gay. I love these guys. They are open, honest, and good listeners and most importantly, give you compliments!! Kevin is one of my favorite guys at work. He doesn't work in my department but I see him on occasion when I need to stop by the "Bullseye Boutique" to pick up stamps etc... We usually have a brief 5 minute catch up session and he gives me boy advice. He's an expert after all. Though I thought I was hiding my emotions well, he could see straight through me.
Kevin: Hey you... where have you been? Whats new?
Me: Just living the dream.
Kevin: You can't fool me... whoever broke your heart is an idiot and will regret letting you go.
Me: How do you even know I am feeling a bit heart broken?
Kevin: It's kind of like gaydar except for love.
Me: (Laughing)
Kevin: You look beautiful today. You always look beautiful but today I can especially tell because behind your pulled together look, I see your broken smile.
Me: It sucks, Kevin. I really liked him.
Kevin: His loss honey... onto the next. You need to go out tonight. You look too damn good to not get out there again.
Me: If only it were that simple
Leave it to a gay man to fill my heart with hope and boost my confidence. Every girl needs a good gay boyfriend to pick you up when you are feeling down. I'm thankful I have my Kevin.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Just say yes...
It has been an emotionally exhausting week. I could probably pin point it on a number of things, but the truth of the matter is it's just been crappy.
Looking back at my past relationships, they have all lasted no more than 5 months. Around this time, something happens and things just start to fall apart. Though E and I are not officially together, we very much were somewhere between friends and dating, minus the benefits. Over the past 5 months, I have developed strong feelings for him but on a totally different level than I have ever experienced with any other guy before. Because we are "Just Friends" the whole physical complications are eliminated and I have grown feelings for him on a much deeper and emotional level. I feel I have reached a crossroads in my feelings. I can see a future with him. On some level, I truly thought that things were going to work out, so I stopped putting myself "Out There" and started focusing my time and energy on developing a good foundation with him. Unfortunately I am starting to realize that his inaction is speaking way louder than any words he may have shared.
I have been struggling with if I even bother telling him how I feel. Is it even worth laying my heart out there if I know in my gut that it's not going to be a good outcome and I will no doubtedly get the "You're such a great person... it's not you... it's me" line of crap again only to find him dating someone new within a few months. Do I owe it to myself to tell him how I feel? Do I owe it to him to tell him how I feel? Will it give me a sense of closure? As much as I want to remain friends with him, I'm afraid if I reveal my heart, it will scare him away and things will never go back to "Normal."
I feel deflated. I feel not good enough. I feel unworthy to experience what everyone else around me seems to find and have. It's so incredibly hard to accept that now is not the time and it may never be the time. I'm just too good at being a friend, a secret, an in between fling, a feel good friend. I can't seem to muster the word "No," and I find that so ironic as my whole life all I've ever heard was "No." I guess I continue to say "Yes" in hopes that someday, someone will think I am worth saying "Yes" to.
Looking back at my past relationships, they have all lasted no more than 5 months. Around this time, something happens and things just start to fall apart. Though E and I are not officially together, we very much were somewhere between friends and dating, minus the benefits. Over the past 5 months, I have developed strong feelings for him but on a totally different level than I have ever experienced with any other guy before. Because we are "Just Friends" the whole physical complications are eliminated and I have grown feelings for him on a much deeper and emotional level. I feel I have reached a crossroads in my feelings. I can see a future with him. On some level, I truly thought that things were going to work out, so I stopped putting myself "Out There" and started focusing my time and energy on developing a good foundation with him. Unfortunately I am starting to realize that his inaction is speaking way louder than any words he may have shared.
I have been struggling with if I even bother telling him how I feel. Is it even worth laying my heart out there if I know in my gut that it's not going to be a good outcome and I will no doubtedly get the "You're such a great person... it's not you... it's me" line of crap again only to find him dating someone new within a few months. Do I owe it to myself to tell him how I feel? Do I owe it to him to tell him how I feel? Will it give me a sense of closure? As much as I want to remain friends with him, I'm afraid if I reveal my heart, it will scare him away and things will never go back to "Normal."
I feel deflated. I feel not good enough. I feel unworthy to experience what everyone else around me seems to find and have. It's so incredibly hard to accept that now is not the time and it may never be the time. I'm just too good at being a friend, a secret, an in between fling, a feel good friend. I can't seem to muster the word "No," and I find that so ironic as my whole life all I've ever heard was "No." I guess I continue to say "Yes" in hopes that someday, someone will think I am worth saying "Yes" to.
Monday, August 6, 2012
The storm has passed
I was all sorts of emotions yesterday. I have a tendency to be irrational in my thought processes whenever something bad happens and start assuming the absolute worst in everything. Negative self talk sets in and there is no rationalizing with me once I enter this stage. When I found out what I thought was a lie, I was instantly brought back to the many times before when I have been lied to, hurt, let down. Sure I was upset, angry, ready to rip him a new one, but mostly I was just hurt that the one person who I have placed such trust in, let me down.
I spent yesterday afternoon at a local beach, listening to music, and trying to process what happened. I talked to a few friends who all were super supportive but also hurting with me as they too want this relationship to work out. I tried my hardest to push back tears but a few snuck in. I went home and tried to lay down and rest but my mind wouldn't shut off. My insides hurt. It's funny how when your heart hurts it affects your tummy. I don't think I ate anything yesterday except for a bowl of cereal in the morning. I ended up going for a long walk with a friend. She listened and offered her 2 cents and pretty much told me I may be over thinking things, and that I should talk to E about everything vs. giving him the silent treatment. I felt better after our walk. Maybe it was the exercise, or the good talk, or both. Either way, I got home and sent E a text asking him if I could stop by once little man went to bed so we could talk. He was a little concerned as I don't usually text him asking "Can we talk."
I took a cool shower, rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head, and went over to his place shortly after 10pm. I was nervous that I was totally going to break down, but I managed to keep my cool. We started our conversation casually and without any confrontation or leading by me, he told me what happened. I probably looked like a huge idiot as I had a smile on my face, but it was because I was so happy that he actually didn't lie to me, it was merely a mis understanding/communication. I felt so relieved. We had a good talk about things, and ended the night by saying how much we appreciate the fact that we can be adults and actually talk/talk about things vs. hiding behind text messages. The mis-communication/understanding came by way of text message. Huge lesson was learned.
This whole situation just makes me realize how much he means to me. He isn't like the other guys I have dated, and even though we aren't officially together, we are at a place where we both care deeply about each other. The fact that I reacted the way I did over something so small, and the fact that he actually wanted to hear me out because I was upset about something shows me that he is a true Man. He doesn't shut down or push me away. He values my thoughts and feelings and wants to ensure that I am ok. I am realizing more and more that he is the type of Man I need, want and more importantly deserve in my life.
I spent yesterday afternoon at a local beach, listening to music, and trying to process what happened. I talked to a few friends who all were super supportive but also hurting with me as they too want this relationship to work out. I tried my hardest to push back tears but a few snuck in. I went home and tried to lay down and rest but my mind wouldn't shut off. My insides hurt. It's funny how when your heart hurts it affects your tummy. I don't think I ate anything yesterday except for a bowl of cereal in the morning. I ended up going for a long walk with a friend. She listened and offered her 2 cents and pretty much told me I may be over thinking things, and that I should talk to E about everything vs. giving him the silent treatment. I felt better after our walk. Maybe it was the exercise, or the good talk, or both. Either way, I got home and sent E a text asking him if I could stop by once little man went to bed so we could talk. He was a little concerned as I don't usually text him asking "Can we talk."
I took a cool shower, rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head, and went over to his place shortly after 10pm. I was nervous that I was totally going to break down, but I managed to keep my cool. We started our conversation casually and without any confrontation or leading by me, he told me what happened. I probably looked like a huge idiot as I had a smile on my face, but it was because I was so happy that he actually didn't lie to me, it was merely a mis understanding/communication. I felt so relieved. We had a good talk about things, and ended the night by saying how much we appreciate the fact that we can be adults and actually talk/talk about things vs. hiding behind text messages. The mis-communication/understanding came by way of text message. Huge lesson was learned.
This whole situation just makes me realize how much he means to me. He isn't like the other guys I have dated, and even though we aren't officially together, we are at a place where we both care deeply about each other. The fact that I reacted the way I did over something so small, and the fact that he actually wanted to hear me out because I was upset about something shows me that he is a true Man. He doesn't shut down or push me away. He values my thoughts and feelings and wants to ensure that I am ok. I am realizing more and more that he is the type of Man I need, want and more importantly deserve in my life.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
iPhone, iTunes, iFun
It's official... I caved and bought an iPhone. I feel super cool and important but must admit, I think this is WAY too much phone for me. I am not very tech savvy and haven't a clue what my phone is actually capable of. Thankfully, E is an iPhone user and WAY more savvy when it comes to technology.
I spent last night in my apartment's rec room with E and his son. E brought down his laptop and I was able to cherry pick his 4000 plus songs to download over to my new phone. Only rule was, I wasn't allowed to ask questions of caste judgement on his music selection. Ha. TOO BAD BUDDY! I totally casted judgement on him but I also fell for him just a little bit more. Below are some of his songs he has:
Ying Yang Twins-Salt Shaker
KC & Jo Jo- All my Life
Flo Rida-Low
Cherry Pie-Warrant
Justin Timberlake-Sexy Back
Lady Antebellum-I run to you
Rascall Flatts-Every song
And last but not least... Britney Spears. Swoon. Be still my heart.
I think you can tell so much about a person based on what they like to listen to. E has a wide variety in taste when it comes to his tunes, and I think it perfectly aligns with mine.
After downloading 300 plus songs to my play list, I played pool with E's son. He schooled me, BIG TIME but I may have let him win too. He's 8, but acts like he is 28. He's definitely a mini E in every possible way. It's cute. So looking forward to spending more time with the 2 of them in the next few weeks and what's even more fun is E actually WANTS me to spend time with the 2 of them. I can't help but smile and feel like a million bucks.
I spent last night in my apartment's rec room with E and his son. E brought down his laptop and I was able to cherry pick his 4000 plus songs to download over to my new phone. Only rule was, I wasn't allowed to ask questions of caste judgement on his music selection. Ha. TOO BAD BUDDY! I totally casted judgement on him but I also fell for him just a little bit more. Below are some of his songs he has:
Ying Yang Twins-Salt Shaker
KC & Jo Jo- All my Life
Flo Rida-Low
Cherry Pie-Warrant
Justin Timberlake-Sexy Back
Lady Antebellum-I run to you
Rascall Flatts-Every song
And last but not least... Britney Spears. Swoon. Be still my heart.
I think you can tell so much about a person based on what they like to listen to. E has a wide variety in taste when it comes to his tunes, and I think it perfectly aligns with mine.
After downloading 300 plus songs to my play list, I played pool with E's son. He schooled me, BIG TIME but I may have let him win too. He's 8, but acts like he is 28. He's definitely a mini E in every possible way. It's cute. So looking forward to spending more time with the 2 of them in the next few weeks and what's even more fun is E actually WANTS me to spend time with the 2 of them. I can't help but smile and feel like a million bucks.
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