The storm has passed

I was all sorts of emotions yesterday. I have a tendency to be irrational in my thought processes whenever something bad happens and start assuming the absolute worst in everything. Negative self talk sets in and there is no rationalizing with me once I enter this stage. When I found out what I thought was a lie, I was instantly brought back to the many times before when I have been lied to, hurt, let down. Sure I was upset, angry, ready to rip him a new one, but mostly I was just hurt that the one person who I have placed such trust in, let me down.

I spent yesterday afternoon at a local beach, listening to music, and trying to process what happened. I talked to a few friends who all were super supportive but also hurting with me as they too want this relationship to work out. I tried my hardest to push back tears but a few snuck in. I went home and tried to lay down and rest but my mind wouldn't shut off. My insides hurt. It's funny how when your heart hurts it affects your tummy. I don't think I ate anything yesterday except for a bowl of cereal in the morning. I ended up going for a long walk with a friend. She listened and offered her 2 cents and pretty much told me I may be over thinking things, and that I should talk to E about everything vs. giving him the silent treatment. I felt better after our walk. Maybe it was the exercise, or the good talk, or both. Either way, I got home and sent E a text asking him if I could stop by once little man went to bed so we could talk. He was a little concerned as I don't usually text him asking "Can we talk."

I took a cool shower, rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head, and went over to his place shortly after 10pm. I was nervous that I was totally going to break down, but I managed to keep my cool. We started our conversation casually and without any confrontation or leading by me, he told me what happened. I probably looked like a huge idiot as I had a smile on my face, but it was because I was so happy that he actually didn't lie to me, it was merely a mis understanding/communication. I felt so relieved. We had a good talk about things, and ended the night by saying how much we appreciate the fact that we can be adults and actually talk/talk about things vs. hiding behind text messages. The mis-communication/understanding came by way of text message. Huge lesson was learned.

This whole situation just makes me realize how much he means to me. He isn't like the other guys I have dated, and even though we aren't officially together, we are at a place where we both care deeply about each other. The fact that I reacted the way I did over something so small, and the fact that he actually wanted to hear me out because I was upset about something shows me that he is a true Man. He doesn't shut down or push me away. He values my thoughts and feelings and wants to ensure that I am ok. I am realizing more and more that he is the type of Man I need, want and more importantly deserve in my life.