Just say yes...

It has been an emotionally exhausting week. I could probably pin point it on a number of things, but the truth of the matter is it's just been crappy.

Looking back at my past relationships, they have all lasted no more than 5 months. Around this time, something happens and things just start to fall apart. Though E and I are not officially together, we very much were somewhere between friends and dating, minus the benefits. Over the past 5 months, I have developed strong feelings for him but on a totally different level than I have ever experienced with any other guy before. Because we are "Just Friends" the whole physical complications are eliminated and I have grown feelings for him on a much deeper and emotional level.  I feel I have reached a crossroads in my feelings. I can see a future with him. On some level, I truly thought that things were going to work out, so I stopped putting myself "Out There" and started focusing my time  and energy on developing a good foundation with him. Unfortunately I am starting to realize that his inaction is speaking way louder than any words he may have shared.

I have been struggling with if I even bother telling him how I feel. Is it even worth laying my heart out there if I know in my gut that it's not going to be a good outcome and I will no doubtedly get the "You're such a great person... it's not you... it's me" line of crap again only to find him dating someone new within a few months. Do I owe it to myself to tell him how I feel? Do I owe it to him to tell him how I feel? Will it give me a sense of closure? As much as I want to remain friends with him, I'm afraid if I reveal my heart, it will scare him away and things will never go back to "Normal."

I feel deflated. I feel not good enough. I feel unworthy to experience what everyone else around me seems to find and have. It's so incredibly hard to accept that now is not the time and it may never be the time. I'm just too good at being a friend, a secret, an in between fling, a feel good friend. I can't seem to muster the word "No," and I find  that so ironic as my whole life all I've ever heard was "No." I guess I  continue to say "Yes" in hopes that someday, someone will think I am worth saying "Yes" to.