Just Friends

Approximately 6 months ago, I asked God to protect my heart and guide me as I explored the possibilities of  potential relationship with a new friend. This was the first time I have asked God to do such a thing, but felt after years of countless heartaches and breaks, MY way of handling relationships wasn't working. Therefore it was worth a shot in giving HIM a chance to lead. Just because you give something over to God to handle and take care of, doesn't mean everything is going to work out the way YOU want but I take comfort in knowing that this was always His plan for me/us.

The past few weeks have been tough. I've been an emotional wreck trying to put together my thoughts and feelings for someone who I ultimately knew didn't feel the same way towards me as I did them. I struggled with do I even bother telling him these "Secrets" as there is nothing worse than telling someone you have feelings that are beyond friendship and not be reciprocated the same sorts of feelings in return. After countless sleepless nights, and suppressed appetite, and embarrassingly too many tears I sought it best that I pull the band aid off and just tell him how I feel. If roles were reversed, I would want the same.

I was trying to figure out a way to tell E I wanted to talk to him without worrying him that something was wrong. Text messaging is usually a safe bet so I casually asked him on Sunday if he wanted to go for a walk/talk. He said he was tired but that Monday night after work would be better. I was hoping to start my work week off without the distraction of this conversation but the upside is this gave me more time to gather my thoughts.

Even though I am a communicator, I don't do so well under pressure situations. I can rehearse in my head what I want to say, but when it comes to the actual moment, I freeze and forget everything. Knowing this about myself, I thought it best that I write him a letter in hopes that I would keep myself composed. I spent a good hour (Sorry Target) writing my thoughts and feelings down. I re-read, re-wrote at least a dozen times to ensure I got everything out. I had a hard time keeping it together but thankfully I work in a corner office where I'm hidden from the curious and nosy pedestrians.

After the longest 9 hours of work, ever... I finally headed home. Even though I was hungry, the thought of food made my tummy hurt so I opted for water. We both agreed to meet at 6:45. I picked him up and we headed to a nearby lake. I wanted our talk to happen in a neutral place in hopes that it would help me keep my sh** together and not totally break down. Nothing worse than an emotional girl spilling her guts with a side of  the ugly cry. We found a perfect spot overlooking the lake. It was a beautiful night. I pulled out my phone in which I had emailed myself the letter and just asked him to listen. My voice was shaky but I tried my best to stay calm, clear, and concise. I managed to get through the majority of my letter until I reached the end when I was flooded with emotion and the only way out was through my eyeballs. I hate to cry, especially in front of guys. Typically they don't handle it well. I was embarrassed but E tried his best to comfort me and reminded me to breathe. I was able to get through the rest of the letter and after I was finished, He thanked me for having the courage to share with him how I felt as and gave me a hug of reassurance.

I didn't expect him to say anything as I already knew what his response would be. I've known for awhile that he didn't feel the same about me as I did him, it just took me awhile to accept this fact and also muster up the courage to have the difficult conversation about it. My biggest fear in this was I was going to lose a friend that means so much to me. I was afraid by exposing my truth and revealing my heart that it was going to scare him away. My fears were relieved when E expressed to me how much I meant to him and that he has never wanted to do anything that would mess up our friendship. Even knowing I have these feelings towards him, he doesn't want anything to change between us. And you know what?? I believe him.

Some may ask how I can remain friends with a person in whom I have tremendous feelings for. That's a fair question and the only answer I can give is now that I know where I stand with him, I can refocus on my energy in just being his friend. God has blessed with an incredible friendship and I am forever thankful for that gift. I don't expect my feelings to go away over night. It's going to take me some time to move on. Not to worry friends... I'm tough. My heart still beats and still has hope that someday I will find someone who will make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. Despite everything, I feel a great sense of peace knowing that my heart is clean and free. I was true to myself and completely honest with him.