EXPRESS

What ever happened to the, “Treat others as you would want to be treated,” moto? I feel we are living in a more shallow and hateful world more than ever. I experienced something this past weekend that was so unbelievable painful that I had to blog about it.

I went to the State Fair on Saturday with a good friend of mine and had a lovely time. We parked at Rosedale Park and Ride and when we got back to my car we decided to stop in the mall and just browse for a little bit. My friend wanted to go into the store Express. She decided to try on some jeans so I just walked around looking at the clothes while thinking to myself, “My God, everything is so overpriced.” The store was relatively slow in traffic because of the Fair going on down the street. Whenever I am in a retail store, I try to steer clear of the sales people. I hate how they always ask you, “Can I help you find something,” or “What are you shopping for today?” When I shop, I like to just browse through things, pick the items I want to try on, pay for them and leave. I’m not big on the chit chat but understand it is a part of their job etc… On this particular day I wasn’t so lucky to avoid the annoying sales lady. As I was admiring some beautiful but overpriced tops, I was approached by one of the sales ladies who proceeded to tell me the following: “Hi… Our store only has sizes up to Large and Size 14. Maybe you should go next door to Lane Bryant and check out what they have for you.” I just sat there, tears welling in my eyes trying to stay strong. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. That someone could be so rude and hurtful that they would even say such a thing. I just smiled, and replied. “I’m actually here with a friend who is trying on Jeans,” and walked away.

I’m not dumb or oblivious to the fact that I’m a bigger girl, and by the world standards, and apparently Express, I’m FAT. I’ve always struggled with my weight and as soon as I am close to accepting and loving myself the way I am, I am hit by a truck with a comment like that and I’m back to square one which is feeling insecure, fat and ugly. Before this whole thing happened, I had made a commitment to myself that I was going to join Weight Watchers again. I was really motivated and committed to starting it again. Now, more than ever I want to do this. Not because I need to prove to the Skinny Bitch sales lady at Express that I can fit into their clothes, but because there is more to be than just my pretty face. I can not tell you how many times I’ve been told, “Jess, you have such a beautiful face, if only you would loose the weight, you would be a catch.” I’m sick of being the “Pretty Face, Fat chick girl.” I want to be the, “Pretty face, healthy, loves herself and the skin she is in girl.” It’s only been 2 days since I officially started the WW program and so far, it’s going ok except all I can think about is eating a box of Double Stuffed Oreos and a gallon of Milk. Nice right?!

For the record, I will never shop at Express again, even when I am skinny enough to fit in their pretentious and overpriced clothes!

Enough.

Things are busy as usual. As soon as I walk into work it is balls to the walls until I force myself to leave at 5pm to remain some sort of balance in my life. Truthfully though, if I was allowed to stay late and work overtime, I would probably be at work every night til at least 8pm and back at work at 7am. Lately I just feel like a robot. I get up, I go to work, I go to my 2nd job, I go home, I go to sleep and so on so forth. I desperately want and NEED more balance, and exciting things in my life but this is just where I'm at, for now, and sometimes I feels like it will be this way forever. I've been asking myself a lot lately, "When does it get any easier?" It's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when all my life consists of is work, sleep, work and sleep. I'm so tired, exhausted of being pulled in so many directions as well with the little discouraging comments ( see post from Wednesday, August 20, 2008) At the end of each day, I just want to scream "Enough!!!" I so wish I had the 'F you," attitude when it comes to work, life, as well with dealing with certain people (and family members).So many times I wish I could just quit, but I can't. I have too much at stake and so I just keep on keeping on and somehow I manage to drag myself out of bed every morning and go attack the day again. So far, not a big fan the big 2-6. Mid twenties have not been the greatest but for whatever reason, I still have hope that someday it will get better. That someday I will look back and laugh at how silly I was being for worrying so much and constantly comparing myself to others. Someday... someday. Sigh.

Confessions of an overwhelmed heart.

When are you going back to school?
You need your degree if you are ever going to get anywhere
Why do you work 3 jobs?
You need a better paying job
You can only work 40 hours a week but we are increasing your workload
Can you be on this commitee?
Can you volunteer?
Are you dating anyone?
Why don’t you have a boyfriend? What’s wrong with you?
If you loose weight, you’ll attract a boyfriend
When are you gonna get married and have kids?
Why don’t you get out and meet people.
You need a balance in your life
Why don’t you go to church?
Why don’t you go to Happy Hour?
Why don’t you ever want to get together?
Why don’t you come up and visit more?
You need a vacation
You are late on paying bills
You need to be better organized
You look sad
Why are you so negative?
You look tired
Why can’t you be more like so and so?

I'm back from vacation

Sigh.

Terrible, Horrible, No good, very bad day.

Remember this book??



Last week was that kind of week for me. I was having a “Where the hell am I going in life,” week. Work is crazy. We are down 2 Coordinators which means I am covering not only my workload but 2 others worth as well. On top of that I am also juggling my 2nd and 3rd jobs and if things couldn't even get more complicated, I am even contemplating going back to school. Yes... I may have crossed over to crazy land. Needless to say, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now. I had a few mini melt downs last week too. Crying helped but I still woke up not ready to tackle another day.

Last Wednesday was by far the worst day and here is why. I was walking out to my bus, down Nicollet Mall, in front of LOTS OF PEOPLE… when I realized the back part of the dress is hiked up to my butt. I only realized this because as I’m walking by a window I see my reflection in the glass. S.E.R.I.O.U.S.L.Y!!! I was mortified! Everyone and their mother on Nicollet could see me and were probably pointing and laughing and for all I know, took a picture on their camera phone and posted it all over the internet. I should've just walked in front of WCCO at the 5pm NEWS and showed the greater Twin Cities my big ol pastie white ass! Ahhhh!!

I only have 1 more day of work until I have 4 days off! Can I get an amen?? I am taking a true vacation from ALL OF MY JOBS so hopefully I can get some much needed rest and relaxation! My plans are to go up to the Lake and sit my bis ass down on a big ass floatie with a big ass drink in my hands... that's right. I said "HANDS." I plan on double fisting it for those 4 days!