But it could be worse...
I have a condition called Cervical Dysplasia. Here is the official diagonosis:
Cervical dysplasia is a condition characterized by the presence of abnormal cells in the cervix, indicating either precancerous or cancerous cells. The condition is classified as low-grade or high-grade, depending on the extent of the abnormal cell growth. Low-grade cervical dysplasia progresses very slowly and typically resolves on its own. High-grade cervical dysplasia, however, tends to progress quickly and usually leads to cervical cancer. An estimated 66% of cervical dysplasia cases are estimated to progress to cancer within 10 years. Information taken from www.umm.edu.
I was given a High Grade Cervical Dysplasia diaognis. I'm considered a rare case due to my age. The last time I was given a Low/Medium rate. I was monitored every 3 months for 2 years and my symptoms went away, apparently. I briefly talked to my Dr. over the phone about my options. Unfortunately the only option for me right now, is surgery but it is up to me as to what type. I need to go in and discuss all my options later this week or next. I most likely will be having surgery in the next few weeks. Good news is, most procedures can be done out patient, the bad news is, I will be awake and fully aware of what is going on. Recovery is fast but any of the procedures can cause issues with fertility.
How am I feeling? Pretty freaked out. Not exacatly the type of news you want to hear on a Monday morning but I'm hopeful that if I do what the Doctors tell me to do, I will be ok.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Today
Thanksgiving was nice. Low key, too much food, not enough movement... typical Thanksgiving Day. It was hard for me to really enjoy the day though because in the back of my mind, I knew what was coming today. I didn't get much sleep last night, and it wasn't in anticipation for the Black Friday sales but for my 12pm Dr. Appointment. About 3 years ago I had an abnormal girly exam and needed to have a Colopscopy. The results came back as having elevated pre-cancerous cells. The monitored it for a year and there was no change. A few weeks ago, I went in for my yearly exam and got the dreaded call a few days later saying that I had another abnormal exam.
I went in for my exam and unlike last time, I went by myself. For whatever reason, I thought I was strong enough to do it alone. I was mistaken. As soon as my name was called and I was brought into the room and situated on the exam table, something overcame me and I just lost it. I was so embarrassed but I was more or less just feeling extremely alone and scared. I don't think I was crying over being nervous for the procedure, I was more upset with the potential results. I've been told on more then one occasion that I most likely will have a difficult time having a child naturally or at all. Even though I'm not married or near having a child anytime soon, I still would like to know that when my time does come, I will be be able to have a child. It seems though that my girl parts have started to fail me at a tender age of 27.
Why is it that life can go so good for awhile then it seems to spiral out of control? I've been in another emotional rut and I feel as if the walls are caving in again. I'm trying to stay positive and be optimistic about things but lately it's one thing after another again and I'm beginning to loose faith.
I should have my results back from the procedure sometime next week. Until then I'm going to lay low, drink some wine, take some warm baths and hope things will turn out the way they are suppose too. I have to remind myself of one of my favorite quotes... "In the end, everything will be OK. If things aren't OK, then it's not the end."
I went in for my exam and unlike last time, I went by myself. For whatever reason, I thought I was strong enough to do it alone. I was mistaken. As soon as my name was called and I was brought into the room and situated on the exam table, something overcame me and I just lost it. I was so embarrassed but I was more or less just feeling extremely alone and scared. I don't think I was crying over being nervous for the procedure, I was more upset with the potential results. I've been told on more then one occasion that I most likely will have a difficult time having a child naturally or at all. Even though I'm not married or near having a child anytime soon, I still would like to know that when my time does come, I will be be able to have a child. It seems though that my girl parts have started to fail me at a tender age of 27.
Why is it that life can go so good for awhile then it seems to spiral out of control? I've been in another emotional rut and I feel as if the walls are caving in again. I'm trying to stay positive and be optimistic about things but lately it's one thing after another again and I'm beginning to loose faith.
I should have my results back from the procedure sometime next week. Until then I'm going to lay low, drink some wine, take some warm baths and hope things will turn out the way they are suppose too. I have to remind myself of one of my favorite quotes... "In the end, everything will be OK. If things aren't OK, then it's not the end."
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
27 things I'm thankful
27. That I have been able to enjoy 27 Thanksgiving's together with my family
26. My job(s). I have 3 jobs that I absolutely love! I am so lucky and blessed!
25. Sharpies, pens, and sharpie pens
24. My Honda Civic 94,000 miles and still running like a champ!
23. Medicine (Drs.) I am confident that I will be in good hands on Friday morning when I go back in for another colposcopy.
22. Friends, unlike family, you are able to choose your friends and vice versa and they choose to be friends with you. What a comforting feeling
21. Family. Although you can't choose your family, there is a reason God chose your family to be your family. We put the FUN in Dysfunctional!
20. My home. Even though It has depreatiated it's value by 60% in the last 2 years, I am still a home owner and work damn hard to have my place!
19. I have a warm bed to sleep in every night
18. Luci(fer) my kitty. She is a little devil but still none the less, it is nice to come home to something that loves you unconditionally, provided you feed them.
17. Diet Coke
16. My mom. She has really shown me this last year what it means to be completely selfless and love a child unconditionally. Without her constant love and support these last 6 months I'd be lost.
15. The Office. It is my one show that I must watch every week. Laughter really does cure a broken and heavy heart.
14. Music. It's free therapy.
13. Summer Sun. I live for those 3 beautiful months!
12. Thunderstorms. More free Therapy. Wash away the icky and tomorrow is a new, brighter more beautiful day!
11. My Grandma. The most beautiful person I've ever or will ever know.
10. My Palm Pre. I now have internet access at home!
9. Hope. Without it, there is nothing to live for.
8. People.com and US weekly. It's smut but I love it.
7. Love. It is one the greatest and yet most complicated things that I have yet to figure out.
6. Chocolate. Need I say more?
5. El Loro Chicken Fajita's and Chips and while salsa. Ditto
4. Lip Stuff.
3. Cherry Passion Tic Tacs
2. Wine
1. Myself. I'm here for a reason, It's just taken me a long time to figure out the person I want to be.
26. My job(s). I have 3 jobs that I absolutely love! I am so lucky and blessed!
25. Sharpies, pens, and sharpie pens
24. My Honda Civic 94,000 miles and still running like a champ!
23. Medicine (Drs.) I am confident that I will be in good hands on Friday morning when I go back in for another colposcopy.
22. Friends, unlike family, you are able to choose your friends and vice versa and they choose to be friends with you. What a comforting feeling
21. Family. Although you can't choose your family, there is a reason God chose your family to be your family. We put the FUN in Dysfunctional!
20. My home. Even though It has depreatiated it's value by 60% in the last 2 years, I am still a home owner and work damn hard to have my place!
19. I have a warm bed to sleep in every night
18. Luci(fer) my kitty. She is a little devil but still none the less, it is nice to come home to something that loves you unconditionally, provided you feed them.
17. Diet Coke
16. My mom. She has really shown me this last year what it means to be completely selfless and love a child unconditionally. Without her constant love and support these last 6 months I'd be lost.
15. The Office. It is my one show that I must watch every week. Laughter really does cure a broken and heavy heart.
14. Music. It's free therapy.
13. Summer Sun. I live for those 3 beautiful months!
12. Thunderstorms. More free Therapy. Wash away the icky and tomorrow is a new, brighter more beautiful day!
11. My Grandma. The most beautiful person I've ever or will ever know.
10. My Palm Pre. I now have internet access at home!
9. Hope. Without it, there is nothing to live for.
8. People.com and US weekly. It's smut but I love it.
7. Love. It is one the greatest and yet most complicated things that I have yet to figure out.
6. Chocolate. Need I say more?
5. El Loro Chicken Fajita's and Chips and while salsa. Ditto
4. Lip Stuff.
3. Cherry Passion Tic Tacs
2. Wine
1. Myself. I'm here for a reason, It's just taken me a long time to figure out the person I want to be.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Frist weekend "Off" in awhile
This past weekend was my first weekend off from all of my jobs in over 2 months! I was excited of the idea of not having to run around taking care of animals or working for the City, but the freedom also left me a little panicked. I felt like I was missing or late for something.
Friday night I just hung low at home. Took a bath, read my latest InStyle magazine and went to bed early. Saturday my mom and I ran around and did some shopping. (She shopped, I was there for the ride) Saturday night I ended up going out with some friends to The Loop. I've heard good things about this place and overall, I had a good time. I did however miss the memo that you need to be 5'9, 110lbs and wear leggings with heals or boots with an oversized sweater or shirt paired with fashion scarf. Needless to say, I felt a little out of place and fat and ugly. Why are there some girls out there that seem their only sole purpose is to make us feel bad about ourselves? I did manage to enjoy a few glasses of wine but ended up leaving around 11:30 and called it a night.
Sunday I slept in a little bit and headed to Grandma's in Pine City. She is always so excited when someone comes to visit. We chatted about nothing in particular and had some lunch at the A&W. Everytime I see her now, she talks more and more about "When I'm not here anymore" and her latest thing is "I'm going to pre-pay my funeral, I want to be cremated." Everytime I leave her, I always get a surge of sadness and usually cry a little bit on the way home. I never know if that will be the last time I see her or talk to her. I always try to make the most of the time we spend together. She is my everything, my rock, my #1 cheerleader. The thought of not having her in my life truly makes me sick. She is 81 going on 82 but I still have a lot of hope that she has plenty of life left. I really just want her to see me get married and have my first baby. I better get on that huh?
Sunday night I stayed busy cleaning and doing laundry. My typical Sunday afternoon/evening chores. I took another bath and started to watch for the 10th millionith time the Sex and the City series. I had some more wine and a cupcake for dinner. Healthy!
I guess my weekend "Off" was filled with busyness. I'm kind of like the engergizer bunny... I just keep going and going. I think it may be time for a vacation. I can't truly relax and settle down unless I am away from the hustle and bustle of my life. Anyone have an extra $2000 they'd like to give me so I can go away somewhere?
Friday night I just hung low at home. Took a bath, read my latest InStyle magazine and went to bed early. Saturday my mom and I ran around and did some shopping. (She shopped, I was there for the ride) Saturday night I ended up going out with some friends to The Loop. I've heard good things about this place and overall, I had a good time. I did however miss the memo that you need to be 5'9, 110lbs and wear leggings with heals or boots with an oversized sweater or shirt paired with fashion scarf. Needless to say, I felt a little out of place and fat and ugly. Why are there some girls out there that seem their only sole purpose is to make us feel bad about ourselves? I did manage to enjoy a few glasses of wine but ended up leaving around 11:30 and called it a night.
Sunday I slept in a little bit and headed to Grandma's in Pine City. She is always so excited when someone comes to visit. We chatted about nothing in particular and had some lunch at the A&W. Everytime I see her now, she talks more and more about "When I'm not here anymore" and her latest thing is "I'm going to pre-pay my funeral, I want to be cremated." Everytime I leave her, I always get a surge of sadness and usually cry a little bit on the way home. I never know if that will be the last time I see her or talk to her. I always try to make the most of the time we spend together. She is my everything, my rock, my #1 cheerleader. The thought of not having her in my life truly makes me sick. She is 81 going on 82 but I still have a lot of hope that she has plenty of life left. I really just want her to see me get married and have my first baby. I better get on that huh?
Sunday night I stayed busy cleaning and doing laundry. My typical Sunday afternoon/evening chores. I took another bath and started to watch for the 10th millionith time the Sex and the City series. I had some more wine and a cupcake for dinner. Healthy!
I guess my weekend "Off" was filled with busyness. I'm kind of like the engergizer bunny... I just keep going and going. I think it may be time for a vacation. I can't truly relax and settle down unless I am away from the hustle and bustle of my life. Anyone have an extra $2000 they'd like to give me so I can go away somewhere?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Bitter is the new Black
I don't know why I'm letting that D-bag of a guy who emailed me last week control my emotions. Ever since that little episode I've just been really bitter towards love and finding a special someone. I've convinced myself that there are no good guys out there and I will slowly turn into a crazy cat lady and die a lonely miserable life.
Like I've said a million times before (my apologies for being a broken record) but I just didn't picture that my life would be the way it is at this point. I honestly thought I would be married with a kid and I'm no where near any of those things. It makes me really sad to think that there is a possibility that it could never happen for me either. I did go out to dinner last night with a good friend Jessie(God bless her heart for listen to me bitch and complain) and she did cheer me up and make me feel like I am worth dating/marrying. Still... for whatever reason, I'm not feeling it. I've somehow got it imprinted on my brain that I'm un-marriable and maybe unlovable? It's crazy talk, I know but these are very real and honest thoughts I have from time to time and all too often, especially lately. It's hard to stay positive when time after time I strike out. How many frogs do I need to kiss (or get a nasty email from) before my imperfectly perfect Prince finds me or vice versa? How does one go about finding a true love anymore?
Anyways... I've decided that this being bitter thing really isn't a good look on me so I'm going to try, REALLY REALLY hard to be more positive. Supposedly when you are positive, that will attract positive things? Hmmmm we shall see. So I will leave you all with 5 things that are great about me to kick start my positivity.
1. I'm a good person
2. I have a good heart
3. I'm caring
4. I'm loving
5. I'm a freakin' catch!
Like I've said a million times before (my apologies for being a broken record) but I just didn't picture that my life would be the way it is at this point. I honestly thought I would be married with a kid and I'm no where near any of those things. It makes me really sad to think that there is a possibility that it could never happen for me either. I did go out to dinner last night with a good friend Jessie(God bless her heart for listen to me bitch and complain) and she did cheer me up and make me feel like I am worth dating/marrying. Still... for whatever reason, I'm not feeling it. I've somehow got it imprinted on my brain that I'm un-marriable and maybe unlovable? It's crazy talk, I know but these are very real and honest thoughts I have from time to time and all too often, especially lately. It's hard to stay positive when time after time I strike out. How many frogs do I need to kiss (or get a nasty email from) before my imperfectly perfect Prince finds me or vice versa? How does one go about finding a true love anymore?
Anyways... I've decided that this being bitter thing really isn't a good look on me so I'm going to try, REALLY REALLY hard to be more positive. Supposedly when you are positive, that will attract positive things? Hmmmm we shall see. So I will leave you all with 5 things that are great about me to kick start my positivity.
1. I'm a good person
2. I have a good heart
3. I'm caring
4. I'm loving
5. I'm a freakin' catch!
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