A little of this, a little of that

I’ve been meaning to blog all week but it has been a crazy hectic one at that so buckle up for an interesting ride!

Last week, I made the decision to apply for a new job within Target. After being in my current role for 2 ½ years, I have reached a point where I need to move on. I love my job, I love my boss, but it is time. The very thought of change always scares me, especially when it comes to a new job, new responsibilities etc… I don’t know why but I ALWAYS start self doubting myself. Searching for all sorts of reasons to tell myself that I’m not good enough, smart enough, capable enough to do the job even though the truth is, I AM more then good enough, smart enough and capable to do anything in life. I interviewed earlier this week and it went REALLY well. I wont say I nailed it, as ultimately it is up to my new potential boss to see if I would be a good fit for the job personality wise. But I will say I gave a really good interview. I was cool, calm, and collected in my thoughts which is usually the exact opposite whenever I have interviewed in the past. I am at peace with whatever decision is made.

Last Saturday was a busy day for me. I met my Mom for Breakfast in the morning where over casual conversation, she thought it would be a good idea to tell me that Grandma has already pre-paid for her funeral. I completely lost it in the booth at Perkins. I had no control over my eyeballs and tears just kept on a coming. I know that Grandma is ready to die and see my Grandpa again, but the selfish part of me wants her to stay around for a long time. Just long enough to see me get married and have my first baby. Oh please God… please please please answer this prayer. It truly is the desire of my heart for her to see me go through life’s biggest blessings.

I got my haircut and colored Saturday afternoon. I’ve finally reached the point in my life where my blonde is now turning more dish watery colored. Ick. It always feels good to get a little pampering done, especially when you have someplace to go and show it off at later. I ended up going to a Breast Cancer charity event called “Will Drink for Boobs.” It was a flippy cup tournament. I just went to be a spectator, and also donate to a cause that is near and dear to my heart. The event was fun. Lots of people from High School, and even my High School crush. I did manage to muster up enough courage to actually talk to him, but by this point he was drunkity drunk drunk. I learned that some things are just better left in the past and also admired from afar. I am proud of myself though for getting the courage to talk to him. Another rather exciting (at least for me it was) thing that happened is I met and made 2 new guy friends at this event. Again, granted they were beyond intoxicated, it was nice to have someone of the opposite sex actually take notice in me. Each of them bought me a drink and we chatted a bit. No numbers were exchanged, but the next morning I had 2 new friend requests on Facebook. Some may say that this isn’t a big deal, but to me it is. For someone who feels rather invisible most days, it was nice to be noticed, talked too, and flirted with just a little bit even if it was under drunken circumstances. I felt pretty and I haven’t felt that way in a long time.

Wednesday night I was hanging out at home and happened to look on my phone and there was a facebook message on it. I didn’t realize that Facebook chat automatically signs you on… anyways… it was from a guy I use to score softball games for. His name is Brian and he is probably one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. I had a HUGE crush on him a few years ago, but was always too shy to ever do anything about it. We ended up chatting for about an hour on Wednesday night. I don’t know why but I somehow thought it would be a good idea to spill my guts and tell him that I had a huge crush on him. WTH was I thinking??! Anyways… he was flattered. He asked me how things were going with my boyfriend (last he heard, I was dating Jeremy). I told him we broke up. I asked him what his dating situation was and he said he had just started hanging out with someone again. Very new, taking things slow. I told him I was happy for him, and tried to end the conversation as it was getting late. He then proceeds to say “So, when do I get to see you?? Soon, I hope!” OMG… I about died. Ahhhhhh, did he just sorta kinda ask me out??! We exchanged phone numbers and within 5 minutes, I had a text from him. My heart has been smiling ever since. Even if this is just a friendly get together, the point is a guy took notice, again, and it feels so so so good.

Earlier this week, I went against my better judgment and ended up contacting him. I should’ve just ended the conversation right after I got the information I needed, but I didn’t. He is toxic and I was sucked back into his gravity, but only for a little bit. I realize now I was being tested, and I must admit I was tempted. What can I say? I’m human. His constant lies, deceit, and betrayal unveiled the truth of who he really is and it isn’t pretty. It’s over. Completely over. I am finally able to release his hold on my heart and move on. There will no doubt still be days when I think I miss him, or want things to be back the way they use to be, but as long as I can get myself back to the reality of things, I will be ok, in fact I AM ok. I am right where I need to be right now. I am somewhere in between my past and my big BRIGHT future!

Letting go

I apologize if the tone of my posts have been less than optimistic, but there is just so much weighing on my heart and the only way to release it is through writing. I think the only way I will ever be able to move on is for me to feel and deal with this pain. It's a hard pill for me to swallow right now and it seems like there is no end in sight for my heart to no longer ache.

One of my flaws is my stubbornness. I have a hard time letting go and moving on. I rarely give up or give in. I look back more when I should be looking forward but can’t help but play the “What ifs” in my mind. I miss my best friend or who I thought was my best friend. Though we were never officially together, he was the first real and great love in my life. Friends and even family would beg to disagree as they were slide line spectators in our twisted and complicated love affair, but only Ryan and I will ever truly know what we had. A comforting and yet incredibly sad thought knowing that he is no longer in my life.

It’s amazing how one decision can change the course of your life forever. Though at the time, I thought I was making the right decision, I look back now and realize it was a huge mistake. It happened, and it can’t be undone. There are not enough sorry’s in the world to describe the pain I feel for hurting the one person who I truly, truly loved. I don’t want to believe that my friendship/relationship with him was merely meant to be a lesson learned. I refuse to push him deep, deep in my heart and have him just become a distant memory. I am holding onto to his last words to me. I desperately want to believe that he meant it when he said he would always love me and hold me close to his heart and that it would take him a LONG time to get over me. I recently found out that his actions don’t follow suit. My heart aches knowing that there is a good chance that all I have become to him is a lesson learned, and a VERY DISTANT memory.

They say time heals all wounds, and even though it’s been only 4 months, it feels like a lifetime. I keep thinking back on all of the good times. All of the memories. All of the times we laughed until we cried. All of the talks we had about nothing, but everything at the same time. I think about his hugs, his kisses, the way he would cheer me up whenever I was sad. I think about our road trips up to visit my Grandma, dinners at my parents and hanging out with his family. I think about our stupid arguments and how we would fight and even say things we didn’t mean, but how we would always resolve our differences. Most of all, I think of all the things I’ve lost and how my heart hurts because he is gone. How can I possibly believe that things will get easier knowing that he is not in my life?! Yet, through my tears and the heartbreak, my desire is for him to be happy. I truly want him to be happy but the hardest thing to accept is knowing that it will never be with me.

Sometimes when you love someone, you have to love them enough to let them go. This goes against every fiber of my being as I am fighter to no end. I never give up, but in this situation it would seem incredibly selfish and unfair not to. He has clearly deemed me as a person he no longer wants in his life, and I would never want to be the cause of his unhappiness or be a root of resentment. I’m trying hard to let the selfish side of me let go but I struggle with this daily. I still have hope that someday my phone will ring and it will be him. I still have hope that someday there will be an email in my inbox and it will be from him. I still have hope that I will see him out somewhere and we will hug it out and everything will be back to normal. I’m trying so hard to let it all go when all I really want to do is hold on and keep believing that someday, things will be ok again.

I doubt he will ever read this, but in the off chance he does, I love you Ryan. I miss you terribly but I love you enough to let you go. You were my best friend and so so much more. I am lucky and blessed to have had you in my life for as long as I did. I will forever treasure your memory and our memories made and I can only hope that there is still a place in your heart that is meant only for me.

One of the only pictures I have left of us, and quite possibly my favorite.

Things I cannot change

After yesterdays post, I was doing some blog hopping and managed to stumble across a video that really touched my heart. It’s funny how God will place certain things (even blogs!) in your life at the most perfect time. I can only believe that God was speaking to me, albeit in a more technology advanced manner. I guess He is up on the times. God spoke to Moses with a burning bush and God chose to speak to me through a youtube video. He sure has a sense of humor, doesn’t He?



Lyrics:

What I cannot change

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Trust and Patience

A few months back, I blogged about living to my full potential. This thought has been lingering in my mind again and I am trying to figure out what the next steps should be. I think it is safe to say that most people have something they fear. I’m special. I have many fears. My biggest fear being that of failure. I fear my potential, who I want to be, who I should be. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to give back and make an impact on others. It has nothing to do with needing to be recognized, but to make a true, and whole hearted difference. The frustrating part is, I haven’t a clue what this looks like, or how to do this. I just know that my purpose in this world is bigger then what it currently is.

I started praying again. I’ve been reading scripture and just all around having lots of alone time talking with the big guy upstairs. My prayers are quite simple… “What do you want me to do??!” “Who do you want me to be??!” “I am at your mercy, I am at your will, please just show me a sign, and I will follow.” So far, no answer. So I sit, and wait, and be patient (something I am NOT good at). Giving EVERYTHING up to Him is hard, especially for a control freak like myself. Having faith and trust that God has a plan and purpose for your life isn’t an easy thing to accept, but I must accept it if I ever want peace. We live in a world where we need instant gratification and it’s hard to surrender yourself to HIS timing. It’s in times like these when I am reminded of this verse:

Proverbs 3: 5-6
5“Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight”

The word “Trust” is difficult for me to hear. I struggle with trust since it has been broken too many times, more times then anyone should ever have to endure. Maybe God is testing my trust so I can learn to completely trust in HIM? Ok, I get it. But I think God just wants me to be patient, because clearly He is not finished with me yet.

Dreams

My mood is in line with today’s weather. Foggy, damp, and dreary. I am finding it hard to smile and if someone were to ask me how I am doing, I just may break down in tears. What gives? The past few nights I have been having some very odd, very realistic dreams. My sub-conscious has been on overload, and clearly there is something pressing on my mind and even heart. The dreams have been consistent in a common theme, but vary from each other slightly. The biggest themes being having a child, my significant other leaving me for another woman, and my Grandma dying.

I’m ready, I am so so so ready to fall in love, get married, and start a family. I want it so bad that I can literally taste it and feel it in my bones. The love I already have for my unborn child(ren) is so strong, I can’t even imagine what my heart will swell too if that dream ever comes true. I’m really struggling with the fact that its just not happening for me right now. No matter how much your heart wants something, it’s a hard thing to accept that it’s just not happening, and there is a chance it may never happen too. I refuse to give in and give up. I truly believe when you want something bad enough, you will do everything in your power to achieve it. But at what point do you give up entirely? I get REALLY annoyed when people say “Oh Jess, you are so young still, it will happen when you least expect it.” Of course that statement is coming from someone who is already married or with someone exclusively and or already has a family of their own. I know they mean well, but hearing those words, hurts. It hurts because of the envy I feel towards them for the dream that I want has already come true, for them. I look at them and think “Why not me? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I have that?”

One of my biggest fears is that I will find a great guy and that he will end up leaving me for another woman because I am just plain not good enough for him. I have even had nightmares of my wedding day and my groom leaving me at the altar. Remember the scene in Sex and the City the movie where Big freaks out and doesn’t show up?? Yeah, my heart totally related to that. I know this fear stems from my childhood and watching my parents marriage fall apart due to infidelity. I have huge trust issues, and every relationship I’ve had since I started dating has left me with an even bigger hole in my heart and broken trust in humanity let alone the opposite sex. With these insecurities and fears, why on earth would I want to get married if I can’t trust the other person? My biggest struggle is I’m afraid I wont find someone who thinks I’m WORTH proving their trust too. I just wish that someone would notice me, see me for who I am and realize how precious and fragile my heart is and actually WANT to take care of it and take care of ME. All of the boyfriends I have had have viewed my heart as a chew toy. Shame on me for not loving myself enough to allow such treatment.

My Grandma is my world. My love for her is endless and I can’t imagine her not here. She turned 83 in February and for the last few years has really been slowing down. She has taken some bad falls and her energy level and willingness to do things has dropped dramatically. She also has been talking a lot about death and “When her time comes.” When she brings this up, I try my best to keep it together but inside I am balling like a little baby. Grandma has been my biggest cheerleader. She believes in me when I find it hard to believe in myself. She thinks the world of me and I of her and the bond we have is unbreakable. It is my biggest dream for her to be able to see me get married and have my first child, hopefully a baby girl as I decided a long time ago that I would name my Daughter Marcia (Marcie for short) after her. The older I am getting and Grandma is getting, that childhood dream seems to be disappearing more and more.

So there you go. I have word vomited my fears, my anxieties, my hopes, and my dreams. I have managed to write this with only a few tears dripping down my cheek. Clearly, I have a lot of things on my mind and heart and it is creeping into my sub-conscious at night. A part of me feels that my dreams are trying to tell me something, while the other part feels that perhaps my dreams are foreshadowing a not so pleasant event that may occur in my future? Fingers, toes, and my heart crossed that my future only holds good and positive things that also align with my wildest dreams of a life full of love, laughter, and a continued pursuit of happiness.