Good Hair Day

One of the things I actually like about myself is my pretty blonde hair. People pay good money to achieve my shade of blonde. I get it for free. (Thanks, Dad!) I've had bangs for the last 20ish months and decided to grow them out again. I was finally able to successfully do the side swept bang look today and people are loving it, and I am too! Yay for good hair days!







Matter vs. Mind

I've been pretty open and honest about my struggles when it comes to my weight. I've always been a "Chubby" or "Big Boned" girl. I've accepted the fact that I will never be skinny, but I have reached a point of disgust again after seeing some pictures of myself 13 years ago, and then today.



June 2000- 18 years old



May 2013- 30 years old



13 years ago, I was approximately 50 lbs lighter. I remember being 18 and thinking I was fat. I hated my arms, the shape of my face. I hated how my legs jiggled when I walked and how my stomach wasn't flat. I pretty much hated everything about my physical body. Everyday I would look in the mirror and pick apart every flaw. I remember wishing I could be like my girlfriends and wear a two piece when going to the beach but instead I walked around in my one piece with shorts and a t shirt to cover up.  Now  I look back at that picture and would give ANYTHING to be her again. She was thin and beautiful but didn't realize her beauty.

I look at my picture that was taken this past Sunday and cringe. I see a grown up version of myself. I have more self esteem and know that I have beautiful qualities, but still haven't quite accepted ME yet.

It's an icky feeling when you haven't seen family in awhile. You greet each other and they say "You look, great... Jess." But you know in the back of their mind they are thinking "Wow... she's gotten big." I experienced that this past weekend and back on Easter. They all work hard at hiding their true feelings, but I could sense the reality. Sigh.

I'm an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm stressed. I don't eat when I'm sad though... Food is a common theme in my family. Everything revolves around a meal. Birthdays, Holiday's, It's crappy weather, It's wonderful weather, It's Friday... any excuse to eat and drink we can find justify it. I love food. I love feel good food. Sometimes (all the time) I make bad decisions of what I decide to put in my body.

I think everyone has an addiction they struggle with. Mine just happens to be food. I really want to figure this out. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good about the way I look. Like everything else in my life, I wont give up. The desire is there, I just need to figure out why matter is winning over my mind.

Adjusting

Feeling a bit unsettled today. My head and my heart are still trying to adjust back to "Normal" after the system shock I endured last week. We were able to talk through some things and I felt good about the dialogue we had, but I still feel a bit insecure of where we actually are at. In any relationship, there are risks. Sometimes things will work out, but there is also the chance that things will fall apart. I tend to listen and  follow with my heart. Not because I am desperate for love and I NEED things to work out, but because I give 100% when I am in a relationship. Perhaps this is my biggest fault as a person? One of the MANY things I have learned from past relationships and experiences is it takes two people who WANT to be together and are willing to put in the time and energy to make things work. He says he's in it. Lord knows I am in it too. But I still feel afraid that tomorrow he will wake up and system shock part 2 will happen again. I think it's a legitimate fear to have.  Either way, I feel he is worth the risk. He is worth fighting for. He is worth loving.  He is worth potentially getting my heart beat up all over again because at least I can say I tried. I just hope he thinks I am worth it, too.

2nd chance

Yesterday was rough. I was still feeling the stings from what happened on Tuesday night but was able to get a few hours of sleep in which helped me keep my composure. I made it into work as well, which helped keep me distracted although my mind was very much elsewhere. I made it through the day and as I was wrapping up my day, my phone rings and it is Robert. In the back of my mind, I knew he would call but I wasn't expecting it so soon. I answered and he said "I'm sorry. I made a huge mistake. I am so in love with you but I got scared." I immediately started crying. I was happy, relieved but also scared. We both agreed to talk through things in person which is exactly what we did last night.

I was nervous to see him again as the last time I did, I was a complete and utter mess. He hugged me and kissed me and hugged me some more. We talked about what happened. He admits that he was completely overwhelmed with his feelings and didn't handle them the right way. He also admits that he needs help to deal with issues from his past because it is affecting his present and future. He says he wants me in his life because  there isn't anyone else he would rather want to be with nor anyone else who would be willing to help him through this journey. I love him, a love I've never felt before. Any man who admits they were wrong and take responsibility for their actions and says they want and need help, deserves a 2nd chance.


Many have seen and "Liked" my relationship status change on Facebook. I have to laugh. He was the one that initiated it. I thought it was a bit pre-mature but he wanted to show to the "world" and me that he's in this. Silly I know, but kinda cute at the same time. I'm still really shaken up by the whole week but I feel a ton better knowing that it wasn't fake, it wasn't pretend. It was real and is real.  We will be taking baby steps together. He needs to be better and if I want to be honest with myself, I need to be better too. We all are a work in progress. I am willing to be patient and help him through that process. Thank you for your prayers, positive thoughts, and overall just being there for me. If it wasn't for my friends and family, I wouldn't have made it through this. I am lucky and blessed in so many ways.

"We come to love not to the fine the perfect person, but learning to love an imperfect person, perfectly."

Expired

I've been sitting here trying to properly compose my thoughts and feelings. I want to scream, but instead I cry. Robert broke up with me last night. I guess my expiration date finally arrived.  I was completely blindsided and unprepared. Usually there are warning sings, instead my signs were a weekend away tagged with a meet and greet of his grandparents and my grandma and aunt. Why would I be expecting a break up?

Last night was like any other night. We had dinner, watched some TV, snuggled, and as I was about to leave, he says: "I still have some apprehensions about our relationship." My heart immediately sank deep into my stomach. I knew we were about to have the awful and uncomfortable break up talk. He proceeded to explain that the past weekend while were in Duluth, he was hoping he would have the courage to tell me he loved me. He had plenty of opportunities to say such powerful words, but nothing transpired. He said the opportunity came and went and realized that he couldn't say "I love you." He then went on saying that he doesn't feel he is capable of love. Loving someone or accepting love in return.  He had mentioned this earlier on in our relationship but as things progressed, it appeared that he was opening his heart and letting his guard down. I was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me that the past 6 months he was pretending. He loved the idea of having a girlfriend and knew I was really good to him, but he never had feelings for me in return. He said he went along with things because he thought it was the right thing to do. He said he used me. He said he knew what he was doing and he knew in the end he would hurt me. He said that he never wanted to see me cry or a be a reason that I cry. He said that he knew he needed to end things because he didn't want to hurt me anymore.

I spent 3 hours crying trying to understand why this was happening and trying to get him to explain to me why. He spent 3 hours trying to show no emotion. I said what I needed to say. I hope he heard my words and took them to heart. He said he would call in a month, but I know better than to think or hope that he will. I feel like a fool. I thought I was FINALLY in a relationship that was mutual, respectful, honest, and true. According to him, it was fake. I can't and won't accept that what we had was fake, because it was very real for me.

I'm hurt. I'm confused. I'm tired but mostly I'm incredibly sad. I truly thought he was different. I believed his words and actions the past 6 months, but clearly according to him, it was a giant game and I was played. It stings. I can't help but take it personally. I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me. Different guy, same excuse. I attract the emotionally unavailable ones. I can't help but say "Why me?!"

I haven't slept in 36 hours. It's hard for me to talk to anyone without totally breaking down. I'm hoping my mind will finally shut off soon so I can rest. If you believe in the power of prayer or positive thoughts, I would appreciate anything you can throw my way. But more importantly, please pray for Robert as I believe he is the one who is truly hurting from pains much deeper than a failed relationship.